This Week’s The Next Food Network Star – Offensive Or Amusing?

Without knowing anything about this week’s challenge, I decided to do something I have never done before. I decided to watch the entire episode without writing about it at the same time. Usually, I never know the outcome AS I’m writing. It was lucky that I chose to do that last night, because I would have thrown my hands up in despair long before the end.

I am going to warn you in advance that this week’s post will probably sound more schoolmarmy than snarky.

Iron Chef Symon was on hand this week. He introduced the first challenge, which was a cooking segment on a morning Miami television show. What he didn’t tell the final four was that the greaseball host would be screwing with them in some way and fouling up their dem. The “test” was to see how they would do under that kind of pressure.

Debbie was okay. She didn’t care that she had to use a microplaner to beat her egg or that they swapped out her catfish for chicken. But none of that was personal. It was in the category of “stuff happens”.

Plus, the other reason that Debbie, the faker, did fine, was because nothing about her is true, including her reactions to the situation being put in front of her. She lies when she has to, says what she needs to, to get and stay ahead…so this was all good to her.

With Melissa, the jerky host kept getting her name wrong on purpose and then he sabotaged her tapenade by adding tons of hot sauce and anything he wanted, while Bob and Susie giggled furiously. Melissa got nervous and talked kinda fast and crazy. Yeah, that was really funny, watching Melissa’s hopes and dreams get messed up by a putz.

They told Jeffrey his microphone had malfunctioned and that he had to talk into a big overhead one. Then he had to actually HOLD the microphone at the same time as he cooked, often with a big knife in his hand. Wow, how clever a cooking challenge! Yeah, that’ll show what he’s made of. NO and NOT!

Jamika’s persecution started off with the crew person giving her the wrong signals for time. They told her she had too little time and then too much time. She actually was ok, but they said she looked at bit too serious even before they started screwing with her. Whatever.

This entire episode continued with them tricking the contestants. It wasn’t about testing their skills or seeing how they are on camera. It was the equivalent of sticking a foot out as they walked by and then laughing when they tripped. Not funny and not a test of much of anything except the nastiness of human nature…the part that loves to laugh at people when they’re down. I hate Punk'd. I hate practical jokes.

In the larger challenge of the week, they had to cook seafood on a grill. AFTER they got all their stuff and had actually started cooking, the Powers That Be thought it would be amusing to take away ingredients that were integral to the dishes and substitute others.

Did I mind when they made fun of Jeffrey’s “cooking without borders”, because it really is all bull and he uses the same things over and over again? No, I didn’t mind, because they were appealing to my basest instincts, that being mean is fun and that it’s entertaining to watch people squirm.

Except that it isn’t. It’s mean and mean-spirited. And baby-faced Bob should be ashamed of himself that he participated. Chef Symon looked as if he had not only participated fully, but actually THOUGHT UP the whole thing in the first place. He was completely delighted with it.

Bobby wasn’t quite as gleeful as he suggested taking away Debbie’s Asian stuff. That’s fine to make them cook different things and not rely on their same old, same olds, but NOT AFTER the challenge had already begun. That’s just nasty.

Jamika did not initially handle the situation well, when they took away her island ingredients and gave her celeriac. When Bob peppered her with questions as she was trying to decide what the heck to do, she couldn’t hide her irritation. Where did this irritation come from? NOT from her being an unpleasant and difficult person! It came from trying to perform a task well and having a wrench thrown in it AND having Bob yack at her for no good reason.

Jamika sounded fed up and I don’t blame her. I was too.

They definitely seemed to aim the most jabs at poor Jamika. In the first challenge, there was a big difference between not having the right utensil and having a camera jab you in the face. They weren’t nice to Jeffrey or Melissa either, but that didn’t bother me so much. I was obviously succumbing to the brutality of the school yard in not caring if someone I didn’t like got hurt. Who would have thought that The Food Network would be teaching the lesson of survival of the toughest?

Jeffrey won the challenge and got his dish, whatever it ended up being, on the menu at Red Lobster. There was so much other stuff going on that the food got lost.

The judges claimed they had a hard decision, but they sent Jamika home. The only thing I could think of was that she was probably grateful to go home after all of that.

My major regret – that Jamika hadn’t been eliminated the week before, so she wouldn’t have had to go through this. But I like Michael too much to wish that he had either.

This entire episode made no sense. One week they’re blasting Debbie for her lack of ethics and the next week they’re HAZING their contestants. I’d turn on the Sotomayor hearings, if I wanted to see that.

The main point is that this nonsense didn’t prove even a tiny bit what the four of them can or can’t do in the kitchen OR in front of the camera. It reminded me of Oprah’s ghastly practical joke shows. She thought it was incredibly funny to give someone a makeover and make it intentionally awful and then watch the target squirm when she sees it. There’s no other word but mean for that. I really, really hate it. I don’t like bullying on the playground; I don’t like it in my neighborhood; I don’t like it in Congress; I don’t like it anywhere in the world. And I certainly don’t like or even remotely EXPECT it on the Food Network.

Note:

Just DARE to disagree with me on this! Actually, PLEASE do! Am I SO off base here? Did ANYONE find this episode fun or entertaining?

Bob's Blog On The FN Website AND A Challenge To Readers

THIS was not easy to find, but I'm quite proud of myself that I did. Our favorite food television programmer has his own blog on the new slightly difficult to navigate* Food Network website.

Bob's Blog gives us some fascinating insight to what's going on at the Food Network, plus he often addresses readers' questions and concerns. Readers - the ones that could find his blog - are quite forthright in their comments. The number of people that say they no longer watch the Food Network seems to be giving them a pretty huge audience of people NOT watching.

I certainly have problems with a lot of what's on the FN, but then I remember Mario, Emeril**, Bobby, Ina, Giada, Tyler, Michael...insert your own crushes, I mean chefs, here and I realize that they're capable of producing some pretty great shows along with the dreck.

Also, as I found during his blogging about TNFNS, Bob is a darn good writer! It would be smart to give his blog a more prominent place on the site. I'm sure many folks would be interested in what he has to say, if only so they could vociferously disagree.

Maybe if he tires of his Food Network gig, Bob might think about blogging as his next career move.

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*Here's the challenge. Instead of clicking on my link for Bob's Blog, click on FoodNetwork.com and try to find his blog. Just try! Let me know what you come up with. Don't read the comments until you've given it a shot.

**Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that several great food names have moved on, but let's be honest that the FN contributed in a big way to making them famous.

Adam Gertler Is Getting His Own Show

Yes, THAT Adam Gertler! The Food Network loved The Next Food Network Star finalist so much that he's hosting a new show called Will Work for Food.

As Bob Tuschman explained: "He earned millions of fans across the country who have let us know that we have a second star in our midst." (This isn’t the first time so many have been wrong about so much.)

Adam will take on different food-related jobs each week. They will include shark feeder and potato chip inspector. I wonder if any of his challenges will involve cooking. Probably not.

This show sounds like a redo of occasional segments that Good Morning America did a few years ago. They had a goofy likable guy take on different jobs…INCLUDING Potato Chip Inspector!

The bad news is that we have to wait until September 30 for it to premiere. The good news is that I’ll be washing my hair that night.

The Next Food Network Star - And The Winner Is...

Hah, not that fast. I had to sit through the whole thing...

We have a quick wrap-up of the season. We get a quick bio of the three left. We see Lisa’s aprons, which look like they come from Victoria’s Secret. Adam is up. We see the spot of his restaurant that closed. (Boo-hoo) He did say one interesting thing. He said he didn’t mind serving food, but he just wanted it to be HIS.

We see Aaron at home. He wants to motivate youth and encourage them to have more self esteem. It’s not cockiness, he says, it’s confidence. Interesting, if he had shown MORE confidence this season, there would probably be no contest. I still think it will be him, though.

The three arrive at the Food Network studio. Bob and Susie greet them. This will be an AUDITION to end all auditions, Susie says. They’re doing a pilot on RR’s set. They get to work with Gordon Elliott as their producer. I like him a lot. I loved Doorknock Dinners. He looks a bit gaunt. I hope he’s ok. Maybe producing for the Neelys has taken away his appetite.

The three each have to present a pitch to Gordon. Lisa’s not a one trick pony, she says. (Yeah, there are LOTS of things people hate about her.) She wants to use lots of props. She presents THREE pitches to Gordon. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. One is something about green cooking, another has to do with fashion. Huh? Gordon likes the beautiful basics one the most. He says healthy looks beautiful and is stylish.

Aaron’s next. Uh-oh. He doesn’t really have any concrete ideas. Gordon asks what others call him. He says Big Daddy. They grab onto that and that’s the end of the pitch meeting.

Adam’s idea is called “I’m always hungry in Philadelphia”. He wants people to send in recipes from the web and he’ll do his spin on them. Gordon decides, “You talk to people live on the web.” That’s the end of it and it seems they have a complete idea for a show. Strange. Gordon says he’ll see them on the set. I’m guessing, I’m hoping that A LOT more went into their preparation than what we see.

OH MY, Lisa is wearing a FUCHSIA dress on RR’s ORANGE set. She’s not doing that well. She doesn’t finish the dish. She keeps looking down at her sauce and not at the camera. She ended up better than she started, but it wasn’t that great.

Adam is next. “The magic of the internet is coming into his kitchen.” He seems comfortable. No. Please, no, don’t do well. He is nervous about all the steps in the recipe. He starts off well.

His internet caller is “peppering him with tons of questions” and it’s getting his timing off. I like that Gordon tells him to wash his hands with soap (he rinses them) with soap (he keeps rinsing them), WITH SOAP! Finally he uses soap.

He wasn’t that bad. I have to say. Not good enough for a show, but that never stopped them before.

Aaron is anxious. “I’m known as the Big Daddy in this kitchen.” Yes, he sounds good! Good job. Oh, he forgot his lines. They start again. He makes mistakes. They do quite a few takes. Last take, Gordon says. We haven’t even seen ONE. We see a bit. He’s okay. Aaron says he feels like crap. Gordon says he did a good job.

WELL, if the winner is based solely on these pilots, then Lisa is probably out. They CAN‘T give it to Adam, They CAN‘T give it to Adam, They CAN‘T give it to Adam, They CAN‘T give it to Adam. I hope not anyway.

We see them getting ready for the finale. How did they do that, if it’s live? Oh, I guess the part where they see the pilots is pre-taped.

Bobby introduces the three finalists. Lisa’s first. Bobby REALLY smiles when he says Aaron’s name. He manages not to sneer for Adam.

Lisa has great legs. Do her chances go up? Gordon looks more filled out. Bobby introduces all the other finalists, who will also be watching the pilots. Gosh, I really hated a lot of then. Kelsey looks 10. Nipa’s smiling.

Lisa’s pilot is first. Beautiful Basics. Hiiiiiiiii, she says. She’s doing Black Cod with Zabaglione. She’s personable. Bobby is smiling...A LOT. She whisks egg yolks over boiling water. NO ONE is going to do that. I hate to say it, but why couldn’t she do a blender version? She tells us twice that she first made this at 13. Susie is nodding. “Accessorize the fish” with the zabaglione, says Lisa. Not bad, not bad at all.

Lisa says it was an amazing experience. Bob and Susie really like her. Bobby says she’s unpredictable in a good way. Why, because he found he didn’t hate her?

Adam goes next with “Hungry In Philadelphia”. He makes a joke and says once Gordon got used to the studio, he was fine to work with. Har-har.

The pilot starts with Adam saying that he’ll take your favorite classic dishes and put his own spin on them. His parents are gazing adoringly at him. He measures out 1½ cups brown sugar for one chicken. I hope there are no diabetics in his audience. He uses smoked paprika.

He pours out half a can worth of beer into a roasting pan. He crams garlic and herbs into the remaining beer in the beer can and shoves the chicken on top. That’s not a terrible idea.

He takes it out of the oven. He tastes it and he doesn’t do a bad job at all. He looks very comfortable in his interaction with the viewer. Susie says he nailed it. Does this just show that anyone can be made to look good with a talented producer? Even Bobby says it made him want to taste the chicken.

Aaron is last. “I’m gonna make you want what I got”, he promises us. Okay, Big Daddy. He makes a jerk seasoning blend. He puts a steak in a big hot pan. He fries plantains. They look gorgeous. I have to say he’s not quite as comfortable as Adam. He plates the steak on top of collard greens and finishes it with plantains. He tastes. “THIS is what Big Daddy is talking about. All the flavor in the world, baby.” He gets the biggest applause. I’m not sure why. Aaron admits to being nervous, but says he liked the pilot. Bob and Susie give him great reviews.

IF based solely on the pilot, I would have to give it to Adam. I mean it. I really liked that shoving of stuff in and on the beer can. Of course, when he’s done with that recipe, he may not have anything else to show us.

Lisa did okay, but her recipe was just not something that anyone would make. People are not going to use 6 egg yolks in a sauce for fish. So no, I don’t think she will take it.

Aaron, I liked him just fine. I would watch him and I think he has a lot of great recipes to share. Lisa’s I can get from Mastering. I don’t think Bobby will let Adam win, I just don’t, no matter how good this performance was.

The judging begins. (Did we ever find out why the judges refuse to call themselves judges and insist on SELECTION COMMITTEE?)

Bob says they got the right three people and that Adam was easy to watch. Bobby liked his technique. Susie says he blew her away. Bob says Aaron had confidence. Susie says you can’t manufacture that level of passion.

Susie says the zabaglione seemed accessible. Bobby says he finds her intriguing. Bob asks who can start tomorrow working on a show?

The judges come back out. Bobby says Lisa, Adam, Aaron - one of you will become part of the Food Network family. They introduce the president of the Food Network, Brooke Johnson. She says TOMORROW they will start on their show, which will go on the air in ONE WEEK. Crazy.

Lisa says it’s been awesome experience. Aaron says it will be a challenge he’ll never forget. Adam says this is a life he wants. Bobby says the winner is…AARON MCCARGO Jr. His wife and sister rush up. That’s nice. Lisa gives him a really nice hug. His wife and sister told him he was going to win. “It wasn’t an easy road”, he tells the camera. “Never give up on your dreams”, he continues. How did they do a camera interview with him if this is live? Bobby thanks us for watching.

WELL! I don’t want to brag and say that Aaron was an early pick of mine, but…The truth is there were precious few appealing possibilities and Aaron has been likable the entire season.

I wonder if this will encourage the folks who vet the initial contestants’ entries to look for more cooking skill the next time. They really dodged a bullet and I think one could even say that they engineered Aaron’s win…which is perfectly okay with me. I guess whoever the judges wanted to win was going to.

I'd like to thank you all for being with me these last 9 weeks. I think we deserve a celebratory swig of something or other to commemorate our Sunday nights being free again...To Aaron! To Us!

Food Network Star – Week 8: Lisa Got A Raw Deal, Likeable Aaron Wasn’t At His Best, And So What If Adam Can Cook...once in 7 weeks

The three who are left - Adam, Aaron and Lisa - arrive at the Venetian Hotel where a gondola arrives with Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri. They tell the contestants that they have to deliver a 30 second promo for their shows. That’s not so bad. They don’t even have to write it.

Lisa is fluffing her hair. She arrives at Aureole, Charlie Palmer’s Las Vegas outpost. OMG, she has to go up on cables and ascend the wine tower. I think this is really sexist and just an excuse for them to look up her skirt. Ok, I know she’s not wearing a skirt, but still. She IS in some sort of cat suit. They raise her on the cables and she says she’s nervous, but I think she’s doing fine, although it takes awhile to get the line right.

Bobby meets up with Aaron to the Planet Hollywood casino floor. Aaron says it intimidating to deal with the rolling cameras. He has to memorize the script. He does okay, although he is a little stiff. Bobby gives him a little advice and he does a lot better. He has to intro his show and then throw some dice. He gets through it.

Adam’s task takes place in the Jubilee Theater in Bally’s Hotel and casino with show girls and Guy. Adam gets to wear a tux. (Hmmm, let’s see…Lisa is wearing a skintight jumpsuit and Adam is wearing an elegant tuxedo.) Adam has to learn choreography and his script. He moves so fast that the camera can’t keep up with him. He finds it much harder than he thought he would. He wasn’t that good. He was rushing a bit. Even Guy said it wasn’t great.

Commercial. Oh, Michael Symon is the new host of Dinner Impossible. That was soooooooo dumb of Robert Irvine. He could have owned that franchise for years. He was good.

The big task this week is for the contestants to create their own lavish, over the top, monster buffet. Guy says this could be their last chance to impress “the selection committee” (c’mon Guy, just say JUDGES), as well as some of the chefs and entertainers from Vegas. They get 6 hours and $1000 dollars.

They head to Whole Foods. Uh-oh, a thousand dollars won’t go far there. Adam says he’s going to do a smoke-tacular. Lisa drops her fish on the floor of the supermarket. Oy. They go back to the place where they will be cooking and serving - the Tryst Nightclub in the Wynn Hotel.

Guy tells them that they each get a sous-chef. 3 former contestants walk out. Lisa picks Kelsey, Adam picks Shane… smart, HE can cook and Aaron gets Jennifer.

Adam’s Buffet:
Smoked Pork Chops
Smokes Chicken Wings
Smoked Mushroom Pizza
Sweet Potato Fries
Crab Salad
Banana Cream Pie.

Adam even admits that if Shane weren’t there, it would be an impossible task.

Aaron’s Buffet:
Sirloin Bruschetta
Orzo Salad
Chicken Bow Tie Pasta
Chicken Tortellini Salad
Crab Cakes
Chocolate Fondue

Aaron says he wants it to be impressive.

Lisa’s Buffet:
Monkfish Piccata
Pork Roast
Twice-Baked Potatoes
Asparagus Vinaigrette
Tomato and Mozzarella Salad
Poached Pears

Lisa gets Kelsey to prep every single vegetable that needs to be cut. That’s smart. She has “selected foods that would be dramatic in presentation, but be approachable from a palate standpoint.”

Adam decided to build a smoker out of 2 huge woks.

Lisa has discovered that she’s missing a bag of fish, so she only has 7 pounds to work with.

Guy is worried that Aaron has 3 different kinds of pastas. Aaron says he’s going to disguise them well, but he is kind of down.

We haven’t heard a word from Shane. Kelsey discovers that Lisa’s pork is burned or half of it is. Lisa scrapes off the burned part and throws it on a tray and garnishes and gets it out.

The three line up behind their tables of food. Aaron says Lisa’s food is elegant and making his food look like burgers and fries. He says he also has to deal with Adam and his over the top smokefest. He says he better come up with a great performance. At some point, they are told they have to introduce their food in a showy way.

The tasters come in - show girls, the cast of Spamalot, pirates and all kinds of Vegas loonies come in. Adam says these are his kind of people. This isn’t so bad. I thought they were going to have to feed Siegfried and Roy or Celine. Oh wait, more folks are coming in. Impersonators, and then the judges, AND THEN the chefs of the Wynn enter in their chef’s whites.

Lisa starts and blows them away by belting out a song. The judges are very impressed. She gets great applause. Bob is in love.

Guy introduces Aaron. He’s so nervous he wants to pay someone to go out there for him. He starts a weird act where he says he has an eating disorder with forks in his pocket. He’s acting kind of “special”. No one gets what he’s doing. He completely, completely bombs. Then in a perfectly normal way, he introduces his food.

Hello, Las Vegas, Adam screams. That was the high point of his presentation. He gives a fairly straight intro to his smoked foods. He wasn’t bad, just boring.

I don’t think Aaron should be held accountable for his poor intro. He would never have to write his own shtick.

They serve the food. One performer tells Aaron his food is an eight. Aaron says he needs a ten. Danny, one of the performers, tells Aaron to be himself.

The judges are in awe of Lisa’s singing. Guy says her pork is dry. Starry-eyed Bob says HIS was wonderful. Guy shows him his piece. Adam is intimated by the Wynn Hotel’s chefs.

One chef said Aaron’s food needed more creativity. Another chef said Adam’s was the best buffet. Another one said Adam did the best job.

Bobby liked Aaron’s crab cake. Bob didn’t like the tortellini. Susie thought the salad was strange. Various impersonators said Aaron’s performance wasn’t good, but one of them said the crab cake made up for everything.

A MAGICIAN said Adam’s was his favorite. Yeah, that WAS a real trick. Probably Shane cooked everything while Adam was making fires in the kitchen. Various other performers loved Adam’s. Some other weirdly-dressed folks liked Lisa the best. The three thank their sous chefs.

They go back to the hotel. Adam says rather pathetically, “Winning this would be a new beginning for my life. Right now, I got nothing. I’m not married. I don’t have a real job. My restaurant’s been closed for over a year. And I don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t happen.“

That doesn’t really inspire confidence, even though he is being honest and sincere. Is it really the job of the Food Network to give purpose to Adam Gertler’s life? And at the expense of its viewers?

The three go into the eval room. Guy is sitting at the judge’s table and Bob says he was standing where they were 2 years ago.

Aaron’s promo is shown. Bobby said he came a long way in a very short time. Bob said his biggest problem has been a technical one of relating to the camera and that he did really well. For the intro to his buffet, Bob said Aaron took a big, big risk, which didn’t work. He said when the performer is uncomfortable the audience is too.

Well, you’re the ones that gave him that silly challenge. He was fine when you wrote something for him. I really don’t think his dumb performance should be held against him. Guy wishes he had told a story about his family or about how food had changed his life.

Bob said he thought Vegas would really inspire Aaron’s big bold flavored style of cooking, but he was disappointed to see 3 pasta dishes out of 5 or 6 dishes, “which negate what the draw of a buffet” is. That’s not a bad point.

Aaron says he wanted to keep it simple and the crab cake was meant to be the high end item. Bob says he loved the crab cake. Bobby says they’ve been big fans of his food, but they’ve had better food from him than what he served at the buffet.

I know where this is going. Lisa and Aaron both had somewhat disappointing buffets. Adam’s was really good, but they had better not use THAT alone as the basis of keeping Adam around. But I am feeling as if they may get rid of Aaron tonight.

Bob admits that Lisa had the hardest of 3 promos to do. Isn’t it interesting that the woman always has to work harder, be better and STILL fight her way to the top?

I do find this outrageous. It is so overtly sexist. The only reason they had her get up there in cables is because she’s a good looking female. And I think her promo was good, in spite of the difficulty. Bob doesn’t really us give a straight answer about how she did when she was all roped up and none of the other judges even comments (that we see), so basically the entire thing is gratuitous.

Why should I be surprised that sexism rears its ugly head, even in as non a political setting as the Food Network? After all, this is the network that shoots Giada’s show aiming straight at her chest. But, honestly, that doesn’t particularly bother me. Giada can control her own destiny at this point.

But in THIS situation, 3 people are competing on a supposedly even playing field. Adam is with sexy showgirls, Aaron is gambling, looking all manly and powerful and Lisa IS the sex show wrapped in cables up in the air. I don’t think they actually planned it to look as stereotypically sexist as it did, but the fact that this didn’t occur to anyone is troubling.

Susie moves on to Lisa's buffet. Susie says she took a huge, huge risk but it paid off. What was the risk, she has a great voice? Gosh, note to self, if I’m ever in that situation THAT is the time to bring out my championship hula hooping skills…

Bobby thought her buffet was incredibly elegant and that her “buffet looked like who” she is. She nods. Bobby loved the pork. Guy says he was disappointed that he got a piece of pork that was really dry.

All Lisa says is “I would have liked for it to be better, but it was the best we could with the situation.” I don’t mind that, I think apologizing is pointless and it only draws more attention to the mistake.

Adam said the showgirls were fun. The promo looked better than it seemed at the time. Susie liked it. Guy asked if he was as prepared for that 3 minute presentation as he was supposed to be. They never showed us when they were told about the formal presentation, but I guess it was supposed to be a big deal.

Susie said Adam's presentation was surprisingly boring. Guy wondered if he bit off more than he could chew with the smoking thing. He said he knew his food had to be really good this week. Bobby liked the pork, he liked the pizza. Adam looks at him meaningfully and says it means a lot. His pork chop was deemed the best dish in all the buffets.

Susie asks him why he’s getting so emotional when he hears good things about his food. Susie, I could tell you that. Low self-esteem, hard knocks the last few years, not feeling like he belongs… yada, yada, yada. He answers her... Low self-esteem, hard knocks the last few years, not feeling like he belongs…

Oh no...Bob says Adam settled all questions this week about whether he can cook or not. I knew it. He has ONE good week - food wise - out of eight and that’s going to be enough to send Aaron home?!! That stinks…..Bob says each of them brought a lot of positives and negatives to the challenge today.

Hey, I didn’t know that Everyday Italian was On Demand. It’s probably really old shows though. I’ll have to check it out.

They wait outside Caesar’s. Bobby says Lisa has a great package. See? I told you they just wanted to see her hanging in the air. Oh, he means she looks good on television and she can cook. Bob isn’t sure if people will like her enough to tune in every week.

Bob says it was heartbreaking to watch Aaron tumble so badly. He had 7 great weeks and one really bad week. Bobby also says this hasn’t been his strongest performance.

WAIT, they previewed Bob saying they’ve never done this before…I bet they’ll send NOONE home this week, because they know that Aaron’s not that bad and Adam’s not that good. They won’t put it that way, but let’s see...

Guy says there’s just something you like about Aaron. YUP, I think that’s what’s going to happen. Of course, I won’t mind if they send Adam home. He’s a nice guy, he really is, but, as Susie said, why should he learn on their dime (and OUR time)?

They move on to Adam. Bob says Bobby has been one of his severest critics and what did he think tonight? Bobby says he’s not a critic, “I want to believe him, I just have a hard time viewing him as an authority figure.” Bob says, yeah, but his food was the overwhelming favorite of the chefs and the performers. Bobby says (rightly) he showed tonight that he knows how to cook smoked meats, meaning that's ALL he can cook.

Guy likes Adam, but mentions his inconsistency of food and says THIS IS THE FOOD NETWORK. YES!!!! Thank you, Guy, YOU are a wise man.

Susie says she has a hard time believing that they could put Adam in a cooking show today. Okay, okay we all agree (except for Bob maybe) let’s send Adam off with a pat on the back, but let’s just send him…..

Guy says he wants the best of all three. Bob says he doesn’t know who to kick off.

Okay, here it comes and it’s…NOONE. ALL THREE are going back to New York. I’m sure I’m not the only genius who saw that coming.

They’re happy, especially Adam. He should be. He doesn’t deserve to be there. And, finally, next week, it looks as if they will actually be giving a cooking demo in a studio, without the help, hopefully, of RR and the girl scouts.

The Next Food Network Star -Throwdown or Throwout?

From the harsh critiques of the judges this week, "I hated it!", you would have thought that some of the food this week was bad enough to be thrown out...

The 4 losers go to Las Vegas. Well, technically speaking, only 3 of them will be losers and there will presumably be one winner...eventually.

Each of them talks about their shortcomings and what they have to do to win. (Cook and not be annoying.) They get to Caesar’s Palace. They are shown to a garishly deluxe suite. They go to meet Bobby at Mesa Grill. He’s in chef’s whites.

Paula comes to have lunch with them at Bobby’s restaurant, although it doesn’t look like they’re really allowed to eat much. Paula tells a story about the bag lady. Sorry, that should be Paula tells the story of The Bag Lady. Bobby says, “Be yourself”. In Lisa and Kelsey’s case, that’s probably not great advice.

Paula offers this nugget of wisdom: Food is the one common denominator between races and religion. I think it can also be a divider. How about the divisions between people who drink soda and those who drink pop? How about pulled pork versus chopped pork? These fights can get ugly.

Lisa gets all emotional about being there with Paula.

Next morning (no big night?), they go outside to learn their next challenge is a Throwdown. In teams of two, they have to prepare their own signature dish as well as their opponent’s. They go to an outdoor kitchen where the challenge will take place. Also involved is Extra’s Dayna Devon, who will be conducting interviews during the cooking. She is looking seriously stretched.

Lisa and Adam are the first pair to go. They have to make cassoulet and macaroni and cheese. The clock starts. They have 75 minutes. They begin to cook. Lisa says Adam is always in chaos. Part of this whole thing is that the judges get to ask annoying questions, while the contestants are rushing to finish their dishes.

Paula asks Lisa about cassoulet. Paula says Lisa is so intense while she cooks. This is uncomfortable. The judges are throwing dumb questions at them just to bug them while they’re cooking. Really this is pointless.

The judges are impressed that Adam is trying to improve upon his macaroni and cheese by adding lobster. They’re kind of like children being told there are ice cream sundaes for dessert. Oh Goodie!! Lobster!

I can’t watch this. Rushing them and firing questions at them while they’re trying not to be eliminated is no way to tell if they can cook OR host. Of course, if they do a great job at both, that’s great. But honestly unless they’re throwing them right into an Iron Chef challenge (which reportedly takes hours and hours to film) this is pointless.

Lisa is cooking as fast as she can. Dayna comes in to interview them. She starts with Adam. Adam does really badly. He never looks at her. He never smiles. He even turns his back on her. She moves on to Lisa. Lisa is better. “I live everything I do.” “Cooking was my first voice.” (I actually like that line.) Dayna has a much more positive interview with her.

Susie asks him for a good cooking tip. He answers well. Time's up. Lisa does a dance. “I Vegas-ed it out,” Adam says. Paula tastes his macaroni and cheese. She hates lobster in mac and cheese, but she likes this. All the folks love it. Paula says she going to borrow his panko crust.

They taste Lisa’s mac and cheese, the point of which is to beat Adam’s. Bob says the flavors are muddier. Paula says she doesn’t like it all…’In fact, I hate it.”

Now on to the cassoulet. They taste Lisa’s. Paula says the flavors are wonderful, Bob says it’s masterful. Bobby says it could be the best cassoulet he’s ever had. Now Adam’s…which Adam says he added lots of different meats to. Bobby says Adam needs experience to make a good cassoulet. Bob says it tastes like “Johnny’s first cassoulet”.

It’s Kelsey and Aaron’s turn. His dish is stuffed pork. Hers is chicken parmesan. He says he’s going to think big. Kelsey says she’s going to use pork tenderloin instead of pork loin. Aaron does ok with his first questions from the judges. Kelsey sounds a bit rushed and tense. Then Bobby asks Aaron what chipotles (one of his ingredients) are. He didn’t know and Bobby wasn’t happy. Adam DID know.

Dayna comes out to Aaron. He smiles and laughs with her. He answers well and looks right at her. Kelsey sounds shrill and mentions cooking school. Bob frowns big time. Lisa gives Aaron a look and he realizes that he hasn’t started the chicken parmesan yet.

Dayna comes over to Kelsey. She admits that her pork dish is overdone. Bobby gives her the evil eye.

They show the judges glowering and they haven’t even tasted anything yet. Kelsey says she wanted to be innovative, so she put the pork on skewers. Bobby likes her sauce, so does Bob. He thought her chicken wasn’t moist. Paula says her chicken would make a little appetizer. Bob loves Aaron’s chicken parm. Paula says pointedly, “The thing I love about Aaron’s dish is that it’s so hearty.” She laughs.

Aaron piled his food high on the plate. Kelsey said she was trying to make a more refined smaller portioned dish. Vegas is becoming so fancy schmancy, she said. Paula loves his glaze. Bobby says Kelsey’s plate looks like restaurant food. Paula says it would have been better if it had been more generous.

Now listen, I am not a fan of Kelsey’s but just because she didn’t overload her plate is no reason to count her out. Count her out for her annoying personality and the fact that she has nothing original to bring to the FN, but not because she decided to portion her food daintily.

Bob is struck by how different the plates look. “Aaron’s was so colorful Kelsey’s was very pale.” He thought, ”Aaron’s was the more inviting dish.” Ahem, ahem wasn’t it Week One when I said upfront that Aaron was going to win??! Well, not exactly, but I didn’t hate him as much as the others. Actually this was my very first impression of Aaron:

Aaron, 31 years old. Hospital Caterer. He could be a sleeper. I like him. While these other people pretend to be cooks, he actually has a job COOKING and goodness knows hospitals need good cooks. Way to go.

I was okay there, but look what I said about Kelsey:
Kelsey comes in first (to the room). Cute. In college, she had her own cooking show.

But I WAS spot-on about the other two:
Adam – He says something about improvisational theater and 15 years experience in kitchens. That last thing is good. Wait a minute, it says Restaurant Server under his name! Not that that’s not a noble profession, but I thought he meant he had 15 years COOKING experience. Is he trying to get one over on us?

AND:
Yuck! Lisa, already I hate her. Big sunglasses. Her bangs are annoying, they're unattractively short. She says she owns “a fine dining” restaurant. Only people from the sticks call it that…

Bobby bids them farewell. They’re back in the eval room. They had to do many, many things at once, Susie says. They liked Adam’s lobster mac and cheese. Susie says it was the best thing he had ever made. Well, maybe because it was the ONLY good thing he’d made.

Susie asked Lisa if she thought that was the best mac and cheese she could have made. Lisa answers that she wasn’t going to sacrifice her cassoulet to take more time on the mac and cheese. Susie says she’s “SHOCKED” (that’s a bit strong, ain’t it?) that she didn’t put more effort into the mac and cheese, because of Lisa’s saying how determined she was to win this.

I think that’s unfair. Listen, Lisa is also no favorite of mine, but Susie should just give it a rest. Okay, so she didn’t like her mac and cheese. They all LOVED her cassoulet and 75 minutes is not enough time to do both well. (Even though Aaron managed to…he was my pick, remember.)

Bobby tells Lisa again that he can’t remember eating a better cassoulet. She scrunches her eyes and smiles. Susie says it’s a hard dish to make beautiful and to her credit, Lisa did. Bobby says Adam’s beans were all mushed together. It was like porridge, Adam interrupts. Bobby agrees. Ah, let’s get this over with. Get rid of Adam and Kelsey and let’s have Lisa and Aaron duke it out.

Susie browbeats Lisa some more saying she appears to be on a mission to win which translates to an intensity that isn’t very welcoming. Lisa says she was trying to her work done. Probably that wasn’t the right answer since being an affable host IS part of the work.

Bob says Adam seemed particularly ungracious towards Dayna when she came in. Maybe he was afraid if he looked at her she would melt. He acts surprised and, of course, says he was concentrating on the cooking and that’s all he was thinking about. Bob says personality and performance is fully half of what they’re looking for.

This is annoying. They tell him all season he can’t cook, then when he does cook halfway decently, they say he needs to show more personality. No, he just needs to show us his back as walks out the door.

Susie asks him for his “point of view” and for the first time, he has an answer - “I wanna teach America that good food is worth the time and effort it takes to make it yourself…It’s really like handmade stuff” - which has nothing to do with anything he’s made for the judges. Bobby does like the word handmade. I have one for you, Bobby – putz.

Bobby loves Aaron’s pork loin and said it was beautiful dish. Bobby is disappointed by the direction of Kelsey’s pork dish. She said she wanted to prove that she could do a fancier style of cooking.

Susie says Kelsey went for it at the risk of her point of view. Yeah, I agree. She should be making s’mores with the girl scouts instead of handling pork in Vegas.

Susie says her POV is teaching people basics and THAT was not basic, she harrumphs. LISTEN, the worst part was that her pork was overcooked and just wasn’t that good. Do I have to do the judging here too, people?!! Gawd!

Bobby says her chicken parm basically stank too. He doesn't like that the sauce and the chicken were “so deconstructed that they weren’t even friends on the plate.” I guess he’s talking about the chicken being ON TOP OF the sauce instead of IN it. Again, is that a crime? She was just making it more delicate.

Bobby says, “It’s like the pork loin. You kind of took the guts out of it a little bit.” Kelsey grimaces. “I got obsessed with that metropolitan twist.” Bobby says Aaron’s chicken was cooked perfectly. (Aaron should forget to do things until the last minute more often.) Susie says Aaron is still struggling. He is?

Bob says when Dayna asked him a question he stopped what he was doing and it was just dead space on camera. Well, I agree that they have to cook and talk at the same time. But in that particular encounter I thought Aaron seemed comfortable…for once. Aaron said he’s still confused about how to approach it. Of course, he's confused. He has received absolutely no constructive help in appearing before the camera and he's never done this before.

Bobby is concerned about Aaron. He has a good sense of flavor, but “I just want you to know the ingredients.” Oh c’mon, he knew how to USE the chipotles. Yes, he probably should have known that they are smoked jalapeños, but all of us don’t cook with every known pepper under the sun…even though admittedly this was an easy one.

Bob says Kelsey seemed at ease with Dayna, except he hated when she mentioned culinary school.

Bob gives them a chance to evaluate themselves. Lisa says she needs to meld the professional side with the way she is with her friends and family. (A relentless OCD bitch?)

Adam says he needs to work on his organizational skills. Why do I think he’s been saying that since third grade?

Kelsey says she’s started to overthink things and that she needs to get back to cooking the way she likes to eat.

Aaron says he’s “one of them slow learners. I’m a C average, but I’ll make an A out of it.” I’m not sure that’s the defense I would have gone with. If his food hadn’t been so good, that might have earned him an out. But this week I think/hope it’s Kelsey. Didn’t I say that last week…and the week before and the week before that?

The judges talk. They say Lisa loses her charm easily. Aaron struggles in front of the camera. I liked the point last week that perhaps Aaron just does better with an audience. Why couldn’t they make his crew his audience and have him interact with them? That would be different.

We see a closeup of Kelsey looking 12 years old and about to cry. Bobby says what worries him is that she’s still so inexperienced and young, but that she is good in front of the camera.

Adam has a strange likability about him, says Susie BUT she feels like he’s learning on their dime. Yeah! Bob doesn’t trust his food passion. They bring them back in and Kelsey looks sulky already. Aaron gets the good news first and then Lisa.

Kelsey, Adam. Adam, Kelsey... You both have great personalities. But Kelsey, leave! (MY words.) YAY!! “I have a lot of work ahead of me and I can’t wait to get back.” Huh, get back where? To the Food Network or home to Utah? And THEN she says, "THIS is WHO should be here", gesturing to Adam. Wrong. Neither of you should be there. Kelsey prances away. “How lucky am I to have had such a big experience at the beginning of my career.”

Well, that was gracious. I’ll give that to her. Oh wait, I take it back. She says “I now know more than ever that I HAVE to be cooking on television.” That bothers me.

The three remaining look worried, not relieved. I guess we should be too, since it very well may not be Aaron getting his own slot on the Food Network.

TNFNS - PART TWO What’s So Great About Las Vegas?

Shane is next. His girl Brownie is beautiful. He’s talking a little too fast. He rolls up the chicken breast FAST. He flours, eggs and crumbs it and puts it in the pan to fry. RR helps the kid to mix a sauce. When she sees that Shane is not talking to the kid, whose name he forgot, she takes over and narrates everything he’s doing to Francesca. He plates up the food with RR doing at least half of everything. He almost hits Rachael in the face with a hot pan. The Brownie did nothing. The judges like the food, not the demo.

Lisa has the chutzpah to say being on Rachael’s set makes her realize how close she is to having this. I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I hate RR’s cooking, on the other, next to them she’s looking pretty good.

Lisa gives Haley a hug before they begin. Lisa tells the audience that you don’t have to dumb your cooking down for a kid. She’s talking way too fast. Rachael puts her two cents in. Lisa keeps talking too fast, and not in a particularly instructive way. Then she just STOPS talking. She looks up and smiles and smiles some more. Rachael fills in all the gaps. “Rachael swooped in and she didn’t know how to get the segment back,” Bob says from their viewing room.

Oh, a commercial for a new Ted Allen show. I guess his guest judging stint showed that he could handle his own show. I wonder if Alton feels eclipsed. This show is called Food Detectives and it “separates fact from fiction” in important culinary matters, such as how much bacteria is really dispersed when you double dip and what happens to swallowed chewing gum. Hmmm, might be fun to watch with a kid.

Adam has a funny moment with Shanasia before they go out. He asks her why she isn’t nervous. She takes her hands and brings them down in front of her as if to say CALM Down. They go out.

Adam starts his shtick by saying that he and Shanasia, his sous chef, were going to put together all the things they liked best - chocolate, ice cream etc. – in a sandwich, but, unfortunately, it melted on the way over. He says they’re going with their backup plan of a barbecued chicken sandwich. Funny.

Rachael giggles.



The judges like that. Shanasia is making fruit kebabs. Adam is comfortable, Bob says. He assembles the pita. Shanasia takes a huge bite. Rachael asks for the recipe on her Yum-O website. Susie and Bob really liked his performance.



He seemed as if he were a guest on her show. They weren’t as uneasy watching him as they were with Lisa and Kelsey. AND they like his food.

Bobby is strangely silent as if he’s thinking, OMG, I’m going to have this goober on the Food Network with me. He’s going to show up at the same events as I am and I’ll have to pretend to treat him like a cohort and not a bad rash creeping up my leg…or words to that effect.



Bobby’s only actual words, as Susie and Bob are raving about Adam’s food, are “It’s pretty good” (with a shrug), and as the other two continue being enthralled “Yeah, it’s nice”.

The finalists come out on stage with Rachael. Rachael lies and says they all did a great job. Then she says the four of you remaining, not including the loser that gets sacked tonight (I’m paraphrasing), are going to Las Vegas.

Kelsey claps her hands to her head in a total state of disbelief! “I can’t believe it,” she says. KELSEY!!! RR said Las Vegas, not MARS, although, there may be a place for you on the red planet.

Adam says all of a sudden it matters so much more. Huh, am I missing something?!! She DID say Las Vegas, didn’t she? Expedia has a flight this week for around $400. Okay, it’s not chump change, but it’s not a trip around the world. Can you imagine Top Chef Stephanie clapping her hands to her head and saying OH MY GOD, ITALY! I can’t believe it!...Seriously, what’s not to believe? They need a new backdrop and the fountains and neon lights will look cool.

Kelsey should go home. I WANT her to go home and that’s my hope/prediction. Oh wait, it could be Shane too. No, I think it will be Kelsey. She offended the mighty Rach AND she called her Rach, which is a total no-go, apparently.

Bobby, keeping his eye on the ball and the ultimate goal of this whole thing – a show on the FOOD network, says but how much does Adam really know about food?

Adam says he might have done too little too late.

They’re in the in the evaluation room. Bobby says with little regret, in other words, as gleefully as he can politely get away with, one of you will not be going to Las Vegas.

Bob tells Aaron his start was poor, while turning his back on the audience. But he recovered with his excellent presentation. They all liked his pizza, including Bobby. Bob says he was a joy to watch and that he masterfully played between Michaela (the kid), Rachael and the audience.

I don’t think it’s really fair to expect a complete novice to have to deal with RR butting into everything and having to wrestle back control of the segment, while you’re on HER set, with HER audience. She wasn’t going to let anyone else be the Queen Bee; and the contestants that understood that did the best.

Does all this come down to a Mean Girls mentality, where no matter what Kelsey did, RR was going to make her look bad? Of course, Kelsey did so badly that RR really didn’t have to do anything but glare at her.

Adam is next. Susie sounds surprised as she says his food was good and that he was very comfortable out there. He says he really likes being in front of an audience. Bobby says, “I think you are a skilled entertainer, but this IS the Food Network.” THANK YOU, Bobby. Of course, he might have said THAT 6 weeks ago and suggested that they look in restaurants and cooking classes for the next FN Star, rather than select from the dunces who sent in tapes. He says the question remains how much does Adam really know about food?’ YES! QED…case closed on Adam.

Adam explains lamely, “Not being in the kitchen for a year and a half, I feel like I’m playing catch up.” Bob asks if that means he hasn’t COOKED for a year in a half. No, but it isn’t the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah…well, great, you don’t deserve a show on the Food Network, not that that ever stopped them before. Let’s move on….

Oh, he goes on……after you’ve put your heart and soul in a restaurant and your family has too blabbidy, blah, blah…Adam, don’t you know that 20% to 30% of restaurants fail in the first year? And if I would have to guess I would say that he probably should have closed his after year one, but just couldn’t bear to, so he dragged out the drama for another year. Susie says yeah, we understand, but basically tough noogies…

Bobby moves on to Kelsey and asks her why she immediately gave Rachael one of the most important things to do. OH, this is her explanation – Bob told her he needed to hear more authority in her voice, so she obviously thought ordering RR around would give her that. She’s a nitwit. Bob says he sees her as way too young.

I don’t think her problem is that she’s young. It’s that she’s Kelsey. It’s her personality that’s objectionable, not her age. When she’s older, she’ll be just as annoying, because she’ll be all perky and also think that she knows it all.

Bob tells Shane the food was delicious, but you just know something bad is coming…like the food didn’t matter. Yup, Bob says he ignored the kid and he was too technical. He said there was a joylessness about him.

I agree except it’s hard to remember to smile when you’re thinking of a million different things. Have you ever seen Giada’s first season? I thought when I saw an episode repeated much later, that Giada seemed to be in a really bad mood. It was just that someone forgot to tell her smile. It was almost as simple as that. But for Shane it probably wouldn’t have been.

Then the judges query him about how he got the way he is. He says he loves French food and he loves the way the French live their lives. Bob asks if he’s ever been there. Uh, no, he says, but he’s studied and read and learned. Bob says that’s the difference. You haven’t LIVED…Well then, why did he pick a 19 year old just out of culinary school?!! REALLY.

This could all go in Aaron’s favor. They know he can cook, they just have to get him to warm up on camera, which now they’ve seen he can do.

Bobby tells Lisa she steamrolled her Brownie a little bit into making what SHE (Lisa) wanted. We saw that on camera, no matter how she denies it. And he said that’s what I saw on the plate. There was not a lot of whimsy. (Oh, this is so making Aaron look good.)

Susie asks Lisa how she thought it went and she said Rachael was a controlling bitch and wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise. Attila the Hun couldn’t have shut her up. Oh wait, that’s not exactly how she put it. “Rachael has a really strong personality.” She adds that she was more intimidated by her than by Martha Stewart. Lisa said she was trying to be less dominating for the judges and she just let it get away from her.

Lisa and Kelsey’s performances show that they’ve gotten no useful guidance from the judges and actually, the two of them made poor choices based on what they thought the judges wanted to see. Susie told Lisa she has to perform no matter what the situation is.

Aaron is safe, so is Adam. They’re ordered upstairs. Bob wants to hear the others speak from their heart. Kelsey is prepared with her Pollyanna speech about wanting to motivate a person who hasn’t stepped into the kitchen to find the passion that she found at such a young age. Ok, that was effective, I must say, but watching Kelsey would only motivate me to throw a rock through the television. 3 minutes before the end, my prediction is...

Shane will go home and we’ll be stuck with Kelsey.

Lisa says she has the skill and the talent and just needs some GUIDANCE (which has been sorely lacking) as to how get her personality on camera (or, even better, how to make sure it never comes out).

Shane says he’s learned a lot of techniques and that creating good food is all about inspiration. Yeah, kid, but the only thing you inspire me to do is go get a martini when you’re on the screen. In other words, you’re boring. He is so going home. He should have gone with his fat-boy-becomes-inspired-healthy-cook spiel than his vague blabby nonsense.

They get dismissed and the judges discuss. The best point they make is their not knowing whether Lisa can tame her demons (being a bitch and all) and put forth her personality in an appealing way.

I still think it’ll be Shane that leaves. Bob tries to cushion the blow by saying they all deserved to get this far. Lisa is the first to go up and it’s…it’s…Kelsey is safe and going to Las Vegas. Shane gets ditched. I knew it! Of course it took until 10:58, but I finally got it.

The Next Food Network Star Is NOT A Person Whose Show I Will Be Watching

Oh my, Adam’s doing push-ups in his boxers. Gross. I certainly hope that means he’s going home, although many others should be up for that honor as well.

And guess what? Another pointless challenge this week…Cat Cora delivers the good news. (Shane is really taken by her and gawking at her hotness like a 19 year old. Oh wait, he IS 19 years old.)

Each contestant is given a picnic basket with ingredients from which they have to create and prepare a dish in 75 seconds!!! Just kidding, actually it’s not much better. They have 30 minutes to make it and then they have to describe it on camera.

Lisa
Udon noodle salad with a ginger vinaigrette, lemon chicken and beet browned butter

Jennifer
Pork tenderloin with almonds and Swiss chard, prosciutto and mangos

Kelsey
Pan seared cod with saffron polenta and a blood orange beurre blanc

Shane
Flank steak with cumin, avocado, anchovies and roasted garlic with a habanero compound butter

Adam
Shitake Mushroom and Turkey Salad over Napa cabbage

Aaron
Chocolate strawberry shortcake

Aaron admits he’s not “a camera person”. Ummm, Aaron, you seem like a lovely guy, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN??!

Cat tells them time is up and she gives the challenge a twist. They have to taste SOMEONE ELSE’s dish and describe it on camera in 90 seconds, without any previous information about it. Yeah, that’s an everyday situation that they’ll find themselves in…NOT!

Kelsey isn’t that bad, but she said it was a citrus butter instead of a habanero butter. Then we see Shane kind of mocking her, “SHE SAID it was a citrus butter.” Pipe down Shane, let’s see how well you do. (That kid is starting to get on my nerves and I liked him before.)

Shane has to describe Kelsey’s dish. All the ingredients are clearly identifiable, so he doesn’t have as hard a time. He is comfortable and Cat likes his energy.

Adam has to taste Aaron’s dish. This one is easy, but, apparently, not easy enough. He calls it a Napoleon. Adam really knows nothing about cooking. He is slightly funny, except that he takes a huge bite, when he should have been wrapping up.

Aaron is even worse. He takes a bite of Adam’s food and keeps chewing and chewing. Then another bite and more chewing. He only gets a few sentences out before his time is up. If he had been doing a commercial for dentures, it would have been very effective. And are we supposed to excuse him because he’s not “a camera person”?

Lisa gets Jennifer’s pork tenderloin dish. She identifies a few ingredients accurately and isn’t a total mess in front of the camera. Cat thought Lisa was being a bit fake. Whatever…this is so inane.

Jennifer is last. She describes Lisa’s udon noodles as linguine. She chews and cuts and can’t identify the ingredients. She really struggles without having said anything. Cat comes right out and says, “You don’t really know your foods.”

Cat declares Shane to be the winner. I think he wishes he had won a date with Cat.

Cat comes back after the break with Barbara Fairchild. She’s much too distinguished a food professional to be wrapped up in this. But she didn’t ask me for my advice, so there she is next to Cat as she gives them the next challenge.

They have to take the following traditional dishes and reinvent them to be accessible to the home cook AND they have to be prepared in 45 minutes:
Beef Wellington
Coq au Vin
Turducken

They’ll be working with partners and each one also has to prepare a side dish. They will be serving the judges and the editors and staff of Bon Appétit. Plus the winning recipe will be in the August issue of Bon Appétit, hence Barbara Fairchild’s participation. They keep reminding us that Cat Cora is Executive Chef of Bon Appétit. Does that mean that when they have important people to entertain, she breezes in and fixes a little sump’n sump’n?

As the winner, Shane gets to pick his dish first. He chooses Beef Wellington, which he’ll be doing with Kelsey. He gets to assign the other dishes. Adam and Aaron will do the Coq au Vin. Lisa and Jennifer get Turducken.

Adam completely mispronounces coq au VIN, which may or may not indicate that he can cook it. My guess is that it’s not a good sign. They have 30 minutes to shop.

Shane is happy with his partner. Lisa is not. Jennifer says Lisa is really bossy. Adam goes for bone-in chicken breasts. Aaron buys boneless. For heaven’s sake, why wouldn’t they use boneless thighs? There’s so much more flavor. They blew it.

They start the chicken. Adam is doing polenta. Aaron is doing a pasta dish. He remembers Adam serving undercooked eggs on the train episode and he gets nervous about the chicken. What a surprise, Adam’s chicken IS not cooking fast enough. They have 30 seconds to serve. The plates are disgusting. Aaron says a three year old could do better.

Aaron does a terrible job at the presentation. Adam is funny. They get asked if the pasta was supposed to be draped over the bowl. Stupidly they say no. Barbara liked Adam’s presentation. Kristine Kidd hated the polenta. Bobby said the red wine and chicken are supposed to be as one.

Jennifer is doing acorn squash as a side dish. Really dumb, that takes longer than the short time they have. She also breaks an entire glass jar over the acorn squash as it’s cooking, as well as one duck leg that Lisa was counting on to give some flavor to the stuffing.

Lisa was unequivocal that all of it had to be thrown out because of the broken glass. Now, tell me the truth, have you EVER served something that was potentially, while maybe not lethal, just a little dicey? I certainly don’t anymore, but I’m positive that in my earlier, thriftier years, there may have times when I fudged an expiration date (NEVER on poultry or meat) or two. But I’m also sure the only person I would ever have done that to is H. And he probably deserved it.

Jennifer not only destroys her side dish and Lisa’s duck leg, she also ruins the sauce. Lisa tries to fix it, but has other things to do, so Jenn keeps playing with it. Time runs out and Jenn says they can’t serve it. Lisa says fine and then says she’ll probably regret it.

Their presentation is fine until Jennifer starts apologizing and explains everything that went wrong in the kitchen. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all my years in the kitchen, it’s that YOU NEVER APOLOGIZE.

I promise you it’s true when I tell you that people won’t notice much of anything. They’re just grateful not to be dragging the Lean Cuisine out of the freezer. The only exception to this is incredibly spoiled husbands, who have been fed way too well for way too long and comment on every little misstep in the kitchen. (Better watch out for that ground glass.)

Barbara says the dish is a little dry and needs a sauce. Susie says they copped out because they should have had one thing inside the other.

Shane and Kelsey have a lot to do. Kelsey is rushing around, burning herself. Shane’s also having a hard time. Kelsey says that because the two of them are the youngest, the judges are looking to see a high level of expertise. I’m just looking for them not be nitwits.

Shane wishes the plates looked better. He introduces the dish well…as a No-Nightmare Beef Wellington. Kelsey says she used fresh vegetables instead of roasted.

The Bon Appétit photographer says the presentation is poor. Cat Cora said the filet is cooked well. The restaurant person didn’t like the dish. He said the flavors didn’t come together. And Bob said he wished Kelsey would stop saying she cooked this and that in culinary school, sounding as if she has no real world experience, which of course, she doesn’t.

I’ve just decide that Shane is going to win, not just this week, but the whole thing. Not because he’s good, but because he’s the least bad.

Back in the judging room, Bobby starts with Shane and Kelsey. Her descriptions on camera of absolutely delicious and beautiful mean absolutely nothing. Bob says to stop mentioning culinary school. It doesn’t inspire confidence. Susie says their dish wasn’t attractive. Cat says the flavor was good.

On to Jennifer and Lisa, Bob says it was hard to watch Jennifer’s tape. They blast her for saying it was udon noodles. She really is a complete mess. The Turducken is blasted for a lack of flavor. Jen admits all her errors. They say her presentation is good, though. For some reason, the judges don’t mention the apologizing this time. Lisa does ok.

Susie says Aaron spent his whole time tasting Adam’s dish. Cat says he didn’t own it. Didn’t own it? He didn’t even rent it for an hour. Bob says the flavor was good, but had nothing to do with coq au vin. Cat says the same thing.

Bob says that Adam’s food is not good and that he’s only there because of his personality. That’s slightly frightening when the head of programming admits that one of the six finalists on TNFNS can’t cook.

At this point I wouldn’t watch any of them. Well, I actually might watch Kelsey to see how annoying she was.

The winner of the Bon Appétit challenge is Shane and Kelsey’s 45 minute Beef Wellington. And they’re both safe. They can leave the room. Then Bob does the Heidi trick of saying the names of the others in a serious doomsday way. Lisa…Aaron…dumdumdumdum duuuummmmm…Adam and Jennifer.

Lisa is safe. For some reason Aaron is too. It’s just Jennifer and Adam. Adam and Jennifer. Jennifer and…oh, you get the idea. They both stink. “From a culinary standpoint, you’re on thin ice,” says Bobby about Adam. We can only hope that he falls through sooner than later.

Susie says Jennifer doesn’t demonstrate a high level of expertise. That’s the understatement of the century, well, at least of the hour. They’re getting rid of Jennifer…as they should have. “I gave up a lot to be here”, she whines. “I’m still going to continue to be great mother and chef.” Who cares, just leave. Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?

The Next Food Network Star - I'm Still Waiting To Be Dazzled

Adam exclaims a little too enthusiastically, if you ask me, his admiration for Tyler Florence upon seeing him come striding out. Tyler tells the contestants that their challenge this week is to do a 60 second video on a specific cooking technique. The finalist that does the best will have his or her video on the FN website.

It’s not clear initially if they get to choose what they do. No they don't. Each challenge is hidden under a cloth. It appears as if they only have a few seconds to look at it before they begin.

Adam has to “break down” an artichoke. OMG. He’s all the over the place. Finally, he squeezes a lemon, with the juice spurting everywhere. Tyler gives him an A for funny, but said he was really sloppy and, of course, he didn’t accomplish the task.

Aaron gets to slice a pineapple. Hurry up, he’s going so slowly, but he’s not doing that badly. No…he was too slow Tyler said. He has to learn to cook and talk at the same time.

Kelsey has to French a rack of lamb. She explains it well. Her technique is good. Tyler liked her energy. She made a point of being more low-key than her usual obnoxious, over-energized self.

Shane is a bit boastful…just what I said last time about looking down on this whole thing. He has to OPEN a coconut. I think he’s doing great. He says he has to find the soft spot; he whacks a nail into it with a hammer and tries to pour out the liquid. But none comes out, just as the buzzer goes off. Tyler was impressed, if not by his expertise, then by his energy.

Nipa has to clean fresh squid. She tells Tyler she has no idea how to do it. Oh well. She giggles while she’s doing it. It’s clear she has no clue what to do. Tyler grimaces the entire time. He’s too nice, when commenting on her performance, which included neither an authoritative approach NOR expertise, which was supposed to be the point of the whole thing.

Lisa trusses a chicken. I HATE her super wide scarf as a headband. Tyler says she’s not engaging with the camera. And she didn’t get too much done.

Jennifer has to shuck an oyster. OY! On camera, she says she would ATTEMPT to show that. That’s not good. But even worse, she said that oysters make her sick. AGAIN she apologizes in front of the camera. She is sooo going home. Tyler is much nicer than he has to be. He tries to help her and tells her she has a great personality and that the most important thing to communicate.

The winner is Kelsey. Nipa glares. She is a witch, sorry Wiccans, a bitch.

That challenge was ridiculous. There was no learning, no coaching, no preparation. Let’s be honest about why we watch these shows, at least in part. If we have anything at all to do with food, I think it’s because we plug ourselves into the various challenges.

We try to figure out how WE would do. Naturally, we judge others far more harshly than we would judge ourselves. Honestly, I would have sucked at most of these, especially with 2 seconds to prepare.

But the thing that I object to is that none of these challenges is a valid test for having a show on The Food Network. Of course, you would PREPARE for your show. You would, at the very least, know what you were doing in advance. You would have a chance to bone up on your technique, shuck a few thousand oysters or read up on different methods of doing something. Even just cooking dinner, I may consult 5 or 6 recipes. If I’m writing a recipe or teaching a class, that research gets multiplied MANY times. That’s why this is so dumb.

They obviously aren’t listening to me because their next challenge is another real winner. Michael LeDuke, the senior executive chef of Red Lobster (now that’s “fine dining” - as Lisa would say- at its best), explains it. They have to develop a simple fish dish which will appear on Red Lobster’s menu, if they win the challenge.

Um, I would think that the LOSER’S dish would appear on the menu, but that’s just me. Okay, okay, I admit I have NEVER been to a Red Lobster. Their commercials look gross though.

The contestants pick their fish and they also get a bunch of junky ingredients – grape jelly, marshmallow fluff, Fruit Loops, stuff like that – that they have to include in a second fish dish. Nipa again looks ill. She says she’s never touched a dead fish before.

They cook. Nipa prays for a miracle. She uses as little of the fish as she can and throws most of this big mother of a fish away. Okay, Jennifer was bad, but Nipa is definitely going home. Everything out of her mouth is negative.

Oh, they’ve also been told they have to prepare these 2 dishes for the judges and 30 “Coastees” on a Coast Guard cutter.

Kelsey starts with a tilapia fish cake with chipotle mayonnaise. And she also makes macadamia crusted tilapia with a white chocolate cream sauce. She talks about some queer daddy/daughter date she used to go on, but the food looks good. Red Lobster guy likes it. So does Michael “New Iron Chef” Symon. He’s sitting in for Bobby this week. Susie, Bob and the Coastees liked it too.

Adam’s next. To start off on a funny note, he falls into the room. Everyone looks at him likes he’s insane. They are completely stone-faced. I think his 2 halibut dishes look good. Apparently after tasting, the judges don’t agree. “Miscooked” and “train wreck” are two of the comments from the guest chefs.

Jennifer is friendly. She says it’s an honor to serve the troops. But then she apologizes AGAIN for her dishes – Fruit Loop Mahi-Mahi and Beer battered Mahi-Mahi. Susie gives her the evil eye. Jennifer SHOULD apologize for her English “I should have DID some panko crumbs with it.” She realizes how badly she did and then she gives us a sob story about how at home she’s confident; it’s just HERE that she’s not.

Full-of-herself Nipa says she has the ability to mix awesome spice blends. Her presentation is not bad for her Tandoori Trout and Trout marinated in grape jelly. With a recipe like that, see how pointless this entire exercise is? Then she gives them a free Bollywood dance lesson. I liked that, some folks didn’t. The judges say the flavor was ok, but she was obviously not comfortable working with seafood.

Preparing her dishes in the galley, Lisa slips in her Pucci shoes and gets sauce all over her 300 dollar blouse. Honestly, that’s what she gets for dressing like that. In front of the tasters though, she’s quite humorous about it, and, then, she gets weepy talking about her brother in Iraq. The judges like that. Red Lobster guy did not like her dishes – Arctic Char marinated in coffee and hoisin glaze and an Arctic Char tartare.

I’m annoyed at Shane. He keeps referring to sole as “sole fish”. Iron Chef Michael really likes the taste. He and Chef LeDuke loved BOTH dishes – sole with orange liqueur and cream and panko crusted sole served on top of a parsnip, marshmallow fluff purée.

Aaron is really low key. Michael says his cod dishes - one with cola - are really overcooked. Red Lobster guy says they're awful. Bob says he’s not getting any of his personality coming through. Well, I would have thought that he was among those who picked these finalists, so why didn’t he pick better ones for goodness sake?

Oh, there’s a commercial for Sunny on a new series. That’s nice. it's called "How’d that get on my plate?" Does that mean she’ll be visiting slaughter houses and poultry factory farms? I hope not, although Sunny seems strong enough to have the stomach to expose places like that. Does that mean that she’ll have 2 shows? That would be great. Back to the show…

In the strange way they have of going back to the first challenge again on this show, the judges said that Lisa needed to connect with the camera. Bob tells her that Chef Leduke said her tartare missed the point of the challenge to create a simple dish. They like the presentation a lot.

Michael likes Shane’s confidence on his video, and strangely, his marshmallow fluff dish.

Susie says Adam’s video was amusing and informative. Michael hates his food and says he spit the crepe out and that the halibut was really bad. Susie hates Aaron’s falling presentation.

Susie tells Nipa her video totally lacked expertise. Bob says her giggling felt disrespectful to him. Michael says her dishes were ok.

Bob says Kelsey found a great energy in front of the camera. In other words, she wasn’t a sappy ball of smarminess. Michael likes her dishes. So did Chef LeDuke.

Susie says Aaron’s video wasn’t good, and that his food was disappointing. She doesn't like his presentation either.

Next, Bob says they loved Jennifer’s beer battered mahi-mahi, but she got ripped for the oysters-can-kill-me video. She cries, naturally.

Bob says soulfully we have to say good bye to someone. PLEASE this week, could it be more than one? I vote for Susie, Bob and Michael. This challenge was ridiculous. The best thing they could have done with those ingredients is to throw them overboard. THIS IS NO TEST of anything.

Chef Symon says that Chef LeDuke has picked a winner and it’s Kelsey. He chooses her white chocolate dish, which we’re told will be on the Red Lobster menu. It’s just what I like eating in the summer – fish and white chocolate.

Lisa is also moving on (in other words NOT going home) and Shane too. They get dismissed. Jennifer cries (AGAIN) when explaining why she’s there. She’s safe.

Suddenly Aaron comes up with his personal story. He says his son ran away. Huh? Then what are you doing here? Go find him. Oh, I guess he’s kind of an adult. Actually, I have no clue. They just threw it out there. He’s safe. It’s between Adam and Nipa.

Adam vows to change his ways. (What is this - a cooking competition or rehab?) Nipa is totally full of herself.

Obviously, between the two of them, it has to be Nipa going home and…it is. She is unfazed by being voted off the island. She’ll go back to Nipa-land, where she’s the center of her own universe and she doesn’t have to listen to anyone or touch dead fish.