Will Emeril Be The New Rachael?

This is so interesting. Rachael Ray, backed by the Oprah machine, has been very successful – double Emmy-winning successful – with her talk show. Now Emeril, backed by the Martha machine for the past two years, is embarking on his own journey as the host of a talk show.

There are big differences, though. The hour-long Emeril Lagasse Show will be on once a week and will mix cooking, music and famous guests. There will be a live band and it will air on Sunday’s at 8 pm starting March 28th on the ION Television Network.

But like Rach, Emeril will have a live audience and the show will include taped pieces to take advantage of its New York City location.

I’m guessing (and praying) that his show will not be the “service” type that Martha’s and Rachael’s are. Hopefully, there will be no decoupaging* segments and he’ll stay as far away from PMS, as possible.

Good luck to Emeril. He has a kind of lousy timeslot, plus I’m not even sure if I get ION, but I am willing to give him a chance. I’ve actually never loved his food, but I like him and I think his accent is a gas.

So what do you think?

*These ARE actually really cute ideas.

Note: Em, if you fill in Coco's name, I'll know it's you!

Martha vs. Rachael – And The Winner Is…

Wait a second. It’s not that easy. In an interview on Nightline last night with Cynthia McFadden, Martha Stewart had some not very nice things to say about Rachael Ray. The problem is that every single one of them was true. AND Rachael often says them herself.

Martha expressed exactly what I’ve always said about Rachael. She called her “an entertainer”, while she considers herself “a teacher”. Martha made the excellent point that you want your teacher always to be perfect. You don’t want to learn French from someone with a bad accent, for example. True.

I’ve said this over and over - if you took the cooking away from Rachael Ray, I would have no problem with her. I think she’s charming, friendly and connects beautifully with an audience. She’s a real “entertainer”, but I run from the room when she gets behind the stove.

Why does this remind a little of another teacher/upstart duo? Except in that case, Julia was the beloved, warm-hearted, fun-loving but oh so knowledgeable teacher and Julie was the snarly wanna-be, who some thought shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath.

Martha and Rachael are far more equal than that, but, really, this is so fascinating because the two of them are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet both are wildly successful. I can’t imagine the diehard fans of either superstar supporting the other one.

Another thing that Martha called Rachael out on is something that also irritates me – that Rachael refuses to bake. She always says it’s too complicated, that she’s a cook, not a chef, yada, yada, yada.

My feeling is if someone can work like a dog putting together a gazillion dollar empire than she can work a KitchenAid and produce a cake. My mother used to say if you can read, you can cook (thanks A LOT for that, Mom!), but it is somewhat true. And if you have SOME kitchen skills, putting together an easy baked good is not beyond anyone, even Rachael Ray. I get irritated by her selling herself short and settling for such mediocrity.

Martha also complained that Rachael’s latest book is just a rehash of some of her old recipes. Martha said to Cynthia, “That’s not good enough for me.” When SHE does a book, she wants it to be “unique and lasting, something that will really fulfill a need in someone’s library.” She wants it be worthy of a place on your bookshelf.

And yet, one can’t argue with the millions and millions of books that Rachael has sold of these one note, heavily meat-based recipes that people can’t seem to get enough of.

A friend said to me the other day that AT LEAST RR has gotten a lot of people to actually cook. These same folks would probably be buying convenience meals or getting take-out. THAT is true. The ONE good thing about Rachael’s cooking is that she uses real food and, thankfully, hasn’t come out with any boxes or mixes (like Martha is developing), at least not yet. Rachael just has her beach blanket sized, fire hazard dish towel line, along with every other possible kitchen accoutrement, including my favorite - where to put your garbage.

Anyway…as an adjunct to Cynthia’s piece on Martha, Cynthia interviewed Rachael, who must have thought it would be a couple of soft questions about having had Martha on her show. She started out by saying that Martha “killed it. She was hysterical”.

THEN Cynthia told Rachael what Martha had to say about her. After just a split second of looking like a deer in the headlights (or the headlines, in this case) Rachael came out with her standard mantra. If you can’t beat ‘em, just agree. And that’s what she did.

Rachael agreed with every single word that Martha said - that the plain truth IS that Martha’s skill set is far beyond her own. She said “Why would that make me mad?” to Cynthia’s constant peppering her with questions. She said Martha was just being honest, that SHE (Rachael) herself would rather have a meal cooked by Martha than eat her own food.

I think, more than anything, what Martha suffered from was a stunning lack of good manners and Rachael exhibited tremendous grace when asked about Martha’s comments. Even though I’ve seen her react to criticism this way before, I am still amazed by Rachael’s even-temperedness on the subject. AND it didn’t help that Martha’s attitude during the entire interview was superior smugness. I know people say she’s impossible, but I’ve always admired her tenacity and work ethic - something that she and RR have in common, by the way.

So who won this smack down? Hands down, The Queen of Mean was bested by the Patroness of the Garbage Bowl. Martha should really learn that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then you should just button it up.

Rachael Ray Corrupts Jimmy Kimmel

Rachael Ray did a turn on Jimmy Kimmel last night appearing in a video on how to make a budget meal. I thought ugh and I hoped Jimmy would rescue the piece, but, actually, Rachael did!

Jimmy “played” the schlubby, bumbling, clueless guy. They go to a supermarket and Rachael asks what his favorite meal is. He says a pizza with ribs, fried chicken, corn dogs and ice cream, ALL as toppings. She basically ignores what he says and asks him, “How about I teach you to make spaghetti and meatballs on a budget?” She DID use the word “supper” which I hate. He says fine. (He would have agreed to a pop tart with mustard.)

They stop at the meat counter and she grabs a package of ground beef and SHOVES IT DOWN Jimmy’s pants. That continues for all the ingredients. She stuffs groceries down her shirt as well. They go to the checkout and she buys a pack of gum and tells us that’s how to make a meal on a budget. She says next week she’ll show them how to make a sandwich on a budget as she grabs a sandwich from the guy in line in back of her.

She looks great. Him? Not so much, but that’s Jimmy.

Oh, Rachael is showing the video on HER show this morning.

The best line:

Rachael: “So we’re making meatballs. What’s the number one ingredient?”

Jimmy: “Balls.”

I find Rachael much more effective at shoplifting than cooking.

This Says It All

This was the info for this morning's Rachael Ray show (which was a repeat):

“How not to die”, (2009) 

Medical examiner Jan C. Garavaglia (Discovery Health’s “Dr. G”) offers lifesaving advice; Rachael prepares pasta and sausages.

The President And The Rach

As Bill Clinton was saying to Rachael Ray this morning…Wait a minute! How absurd does that sound?!!

After heavily promoting the former President’s appearance on The Rachael Ray Show, they start today's show with an inane and time-wasting “It’s All Relative” game. The contestants, picked from the audience, seemed to have no clue what they were doing there and it was all a bit pointless. I get that you don’t bring out the big guns at the beginning, but Rach didn’t even mention that BC was going to be on.

Then I thought maybe this game was a joke and the two playing would turn out to be Bill’s cousins or something. Nah, it turned out to be an introduction for Matthew Rhys from Brothers and Sisters. Funny, the minute he comes out, RR pushes the two civilians out of the way. He’s cute, but it’s almost 10:30 and still no Bill.

We see the stories of 2 moms doing great things for childhood fitness working with Clinton’s Alliance for a Healthier Generation. Finally, Bill comes strolling out at 10:41, looking a bit pale…from all the waiting, maybe. He says he’s going to use Mother’s Day on his facebook page to promote child health.

As Clinton is talking, Rachael takes out these huge orange paddles and turns over some skinned “figure friendly” chicken on the grill.

I do find her food awful, but, at least, it doesn’t come from packets. You can’t argue with the fact that she’s raised a lot of money for good causes, which makes her alliance with Dunkin’ Donuts all the more incomprehensible. Obviously, folks have the right to buy donuts (I wouldn’t call these "doughnuts"), but no one can argue that they have anything to do with a healthy diet.

Clinton tells us how hunger and childhood obesity go hand in hand. Interesting. It might have something to do with all the Dunkin’ Donuts that people are having for breakfast.

It was kinda rude at the end. Bill and Rachael served the 2 moms what she had cooked and Bill didn’t get any. On second thought, that was probably for the best.

Did I Hear RR Correctly?

I don’t want to ruin anyone’s lunch, but I must share this truly awful sounding recipe that Rachael made this morning. It was a SAUCE for a browned-potato-in-the-oven-type thing, which frankly I didn’t even know NEEDED a sauce.

I do feel a bit bad, though, because RR said this was a recipe of her mother’s. I DO think a mother’s recipes must be given respect, but I just can’t hold my tongue on this one.

(Listen, none of us is immune from horrible family recipes. Take my mother’s Jello Mold with Vegetables! PLEASE! Yes, I did say vegetables. I don’t remember it too clearly because I’ve blocked it from my memory, but I think CELERY was involved.)

I could have sworn RR said the sauce for the potatoes was made from Horseradish Sauce, Applesauce and Crumbs, which sounds so ghastly I thought it was a first, even for her. Yet, on her website, she has a perfectly benign sauce made from mustard and sour cream (but with crumbs, as well).

I didn’t record it and I wonder if I was dreaming, but I don’t think I could have made up the horseradish and applesauce combination. Here's the recipe on the website...with THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE PHOTO I’VE EVER SEEN. Maybe I DID hear her wrong, but my ears usually perk up when something so awful is about to be cooked.

NOTE:
One of my favorite readers, Deb, sent me this picture from her mother's recipe box - a Jello mold with CELERY! I'm so glad I wasn't making it up!



(Deb had the lovely idea to gather together her mother's recipe cards and scan them and make a book for family members. She also included some old photographs. What a great way to remember one's mother.)

Rachael Times 500

Rach had the 500th episode of her talk show on today. Gosh, it seems like yesterday. Actually, I have no idea what 500 shows mean in calendar years or even television seasons. Oh, it started on September 18, 2006.

Inexplicably the show opened with some acrobats doing head stands and break dance type moves all over the stage. Huh? What did that have to do with anything?

After a tribute-type introduction to Barbara Walters, RR sat down with her for a long – quite a long – chat. I didn’t mind. I hoped it would cut into the cooking segment. Barbara was funny when she said that she loved Rachael’s recipes and she made them all the time…in her head, because she doesn’t actually cook.

It’s funny how when I make Rachael Ray’s recipes in my head, I run screaming from the room.

Many taped short greetings were shown from every celebrity ever known to Western civilization and then some. Rachael promised us a fantastic interview with Matthew McConaughey . He was far too cool to come to her studio, so she went down to Texas to interview him. We were treated to the tape.

I like him well enough. Some of his movies are fantastic and he IS hot, but I have only one thing to say after his appearance on Rachael Ray’s 500th show this morning. GET THE FRICKIN’ TOOTHPICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! You’re being interviewed! There are cameras! I half expected Rachael to say, “Would you mind removing that, it’s very distracting, not to mention unhygienic.”

I kept thinking he would lean in to tell her something and scratch her face with his germy, gingivitis-ridden scrapings. EWWW! I know he’s all natural and stuff, but this was gross.

In another segment, Rachael introduced 2 audience members. One had written an email saying she wished there was a snack of the day club, so she could eat a snack right along with the studio audience as she watched Rachael.

I don’t want to be unkind, but even 4 year olds watching Romper Room didn’t think they were entitled to the juice and graham crackers on the show. This was just dumb.

Adding to the inanity, Rachael showed a cell-like space with two slaves, i.e. interns, who were packing up the exact 500 snacks they’ve had on the show to send to this viewer. What the heck is someone going to do with 500 bags of cookies and chips?

Then Rachael introduced another audience member who had been at the first show. For no discernible reason, RR gave her a 500 dollar gift card from Walmart. And to make her feel really special, the entire audience got one too. (The entire audience didn’t get the SAME one, they each got their own.) YOU too can compete with 50 million RR fans for one here.

Questions from the audience followed. James Lipton was a surprise guest and so was Rocco. Rachael made much too big a fuss over him, when he held the microphone for 2 or 3 questions. He did look really, really good, though and he brought out the cake at the end that Rachael didn’t seem that impressed with. Had she already seen it?

She did manage to sneak in one recipe, which was a chicken and rice dish. I never thought I would say this about a Rachael Ray recipe, but I completely did NOT understand this recipe.

First she toasted orzo in a pan. I thought she said this was chicken and RICE, but that wasn’t the weirdest thing. After barely having time to show us the recipe because of the festivities (which usually would be a good thing), she added RICE to the pan that already had orzo in it.

Have you ever in your entire life mixed orzo and rice IN THE SAME DISH? I just don’t get it. I know there are orzo pilaf recipes out there, but WITH rice is really strange. Plus for her 500th episode, wouldn’t you have thought that she would do something a bit more exciting? Well, I suppose I should be happy that it wasn’t her 500th meatloaf or hamburger recipe.

An Unlikely Expert

I felt sorry for Ali Velshi last night. His colleagues over at CNBC had the Oracle of Omaha on all morning, chatting about the economy. Ali was hosting Larry King that night. He had a great opportunity to consult with experts and answer viewers’ questions. And guess who Ali was stuck with as his guest on the uber-popular talk show? RACHAEL RAY! Yup, he had RR...looking rather prosperous... educating us on the foibles of today’s economy.

Truthfully, RR did just fine talking about how to stretch one’s food budget to meet leaner times. She told us her audience is comprised of regular people and they love her meals for under 10 dollars. She advised us to go back to the way our grandparents bought food. Buy a whole chicken and use it throughout the week.

Ali certainly showed he was no food expert when he asked if canned or fresh vegetables were the more economical way to go. Her answer? The farmer’s market, whenever possible.

Rachael did give one completely incorrect answer, though, to one of Ali’s labored questions. (I really did feel for him having to prepare for a Rachael Ray interview, instead of his more serious ones.) He asked if it was true that sometimes buying in bulk is actually more expensive than buying smaller individual items…that the unit price of the bigger size can be more. MY answer? YES, Ali, that IS true sometimes and THAT’S the reason you must always check the prices on things, big and small. In an effort to screw the consumer, suddenly the smaller box of cereal will cost less per cup than the larger size. RR just dismissed this out of hand, even after encouraging us to look at the unit prize.

She also should have made the point that it doesn’t always make sense to buy super-sized stuff, if you don’t finish it and it goes to waste. ALSO, if it encourages your family members to eat more unhealthily – a vat of mayonnaise may encourage more liberal use than a small jar – it becomes not worth it.

After Ali mentioned Rachael’s personal fortune, I did love it when she said, “I try to give it away as quick as I make it. I live the same as I did many years ago. I don’t have fun living like THAT.”

Actually, I do find it rude to mention someone’s net (or gross) worth right to his or her face. RR’s claiming not to know how much she makes is fine with me.

However, given the choice between listening to these two gurus, I think I’ll pick Warren.

Rachael Ray...YES, You Heard It Here – LEAVE THE POOR WOMAN ALONE!!!

There was an unusually NON-noteworthy interview with RR last night on Nightline. It was particularly annoying, because it had been promoted as if it new ground had been broken. No question was asked that hadn’t been asked before and no answer was given that we hadn’t heard before.

There were 3 main topics covered. One was her FHM interview. Who cares? THAT was so 2003 and people should be more worried about her awful food than her pictures in a little apron licking a wooden spoon. Anyway, that’s what we all do in our own kitchens ;-), so why shouldn’t she do it in a magazine?

The second topic was her relationship with Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, we all know what Tony Bourdain said and, of course, I agree with every word, but this has been covered already…a lot! Next topic!

I’m no fan of Rachael Ray (‘s cooking), BUT even I was offended by the interminable questioning about her desire to have no children. Leave it alone!

WHY does every interviewer feel that Rachael must be quizzed endlessly about how she would rather throw together mediocre recipes than raise a family? Seriously, she should be allowed to do what she wants.

Why do people feel so threatened by a successful woman who doesn’t follow the typical path of 1) career; 2) give it all up to raise a bunch of ingrates; 3) spend the rest of her life treading water, career-wise, to make up for all the time she lost while being home with babies?!!

RR can choose her OWN path in life. As much as I deplore her perpetual Sloppy Joe recipes, I also applaud her right to come up with 50 thousand more, if she wants.

I’m always amazed that she answers these questions with such aplomb. She doesn’t get testy or angry. She actually explains her reasoning, which we really have no right to expect and certainly not after having heard it a million times before. We should have stopped being interested about 300 questions ago.

Gordon Throws Rachael’s Food In The Garbage!

Okay, it’s called hyperbole, but a version of that DID happen. I’ll get to that in a second.

Gordon Ramsey sat down with Rachael Ray this morning. I wasn’t all that drawn to his way-too-tight shirt with necklace and designer (girl’s?) jeans, and his spiky, overly blonded hair.

Rachael had some audience members bring in their own dishes for the chef to taste. (I guess she was trying to avoid him getting near hers.) This was how he described one of them: Dry as “Gandhi’s flip flops.” Gosh, I wish the woman had spit in it. He did say there was nice chocolate tart and frittata. But he told one person to go back to cooking school.

I did like what he said in answer to how his restaurants were doing in the recession. He said one benefit is chefs finding a humbler approach to ingredients.

Talking about his family, he mentioned that his kids make him use a swear jar in the kitchen. Boy, that would buy a few college educations.

Gordon and Rachael went over to the kitchen. He picked up her beach towel pot holder things. He began to make a face and Rachael kept talking and I guess he thought better of it and put it down without saying anything.

So now, THIS was the headline grabbing incident. Gordon was talking about using sweet potatoes in different ways. All of a sudden, he swept a piled of prepared sweet potatoes that were on the counter INTO RR’S GARBAGE BOWL. He obviously thought this tacky looking thing was a mixing bowl and, luckily, it was empty. Nothing was said and they went on with the recipe. Plus, she actually used the expression “cheap and cheerful”.

Gordon mostly got on with it, but RR did pipe in every once in awhile. The truth is it may be that SHE has something to teach him about mogul-dom, so maybe he was hoping to bask in her reflected glory.

One positive note – in marked contrast to the Food Network website, Rachael’s website(s) are amazingly easy to use. They are organized well, it doesn’t take a million clicks to get where you want to go AND there are no pop-ups. What more could you ask? Okay, decent recipes, but let’s not be fussy.

Rachael Highlights Daisy...

maybe to her own detriment

I’ve been watching Daisy Martinez’s show on the Food Network, Viva Daisy!, produced by Rachael Ray and it’s pretty good.

On her own show this morning, Rachael showcased Daisy beautifully. Daisy did a (wonderfully pronounced) Choripan, which is uncooked sausage without fennel, split down the middle and grilled until crispy. (In South America, she’d use the hard-to-find-here uncooked chorizo.) It's served on good, also crispy, bread and topped with an avocado salsa.

Now if only Rachael could give her own recipes a makeover! RR wanted to do a "sammie" as well, but her recipe was unattractive and unappealing. NO ONE likes sautéed green peppers, even if they are cubanelles. With these steamed anemic looking peppers, she cooked a bunch of brown ground meat and called it a Sloppy Joe. Really, how many sloppy joe recipes do we need?

If this had been a cook off, Daisy would have run away with the grand prize, leaving Rachael in the dust. Hers was much more appetizing, interesting and worth making. I guess it's good that Rachael is comfortable enough to have a clearly superior cook on with her. I think she should stick to videos of cleaning out viewers' closets.

Fed Up Rachael Ray

RR actually took a camera down her throat on this morning's show to prove to worried fans (and perhaps a few detractors, as well) that she did NOT have throat cancer, but a cyst, which will be removed in December.

Apparently, she has had tons of messages from folks who were wishing her well and assuming she was battling a serious illness.

I suppose there was no other way to PROVE the tabloids' headlines wrong. But I do feel kind of bad that she felt she had to have a huge metal pole with a camera on the end of it shoved down her throat to show there was only a cyst. I guess that comes with the territory of having your face, and more importantly your products, in every outlet known to humankind.

Throat Scare For Rachael

Rachael Ray is going to have minor surgery for a benign growth on her vocal cord in December, according to a spokesman and is NOT being treated for throat cancer.

It's a shame if that's how she'll be spending her Christmas break, because she could probably use a bit of a vacay. Apparently none of the production schedules of her gazillion shows will be affected...I hope she doesn't forget the chicken stoup.*


* Thanks, Colleen. See comment below.

News Flash: On Rachael's Birthday Special, Rosie Had No Idea What EVOO was...

That was the most interesting part of this special show in honor of Rachael Ray’s 40th birthday. Rosie, acting as host at the beginning of the hour, was asking a series of mostly dumb, no, actually, ALL dumb questions. One of them was what's your favorite smell? RR’s answer: EVOO and garlic. Rosie actually said, "What's EVOO?" Rosie took the opportunity to answer each question herself. When she said the head of a newborn was her favorite smell, RR looked unmoved.

Next out was survivor Cole. (Is that his name? That's what I'm calling him...it could be Lance or Harley or who cares?) He found some sad woman, Janice, who had never had a birthday party and used this as an opportunity to give her one. It was a segment highlighted by it mawkishness.

They brought her to the studio. Cole's voice was so sensitive and caring, I wanted to slap him. "When was the last time you did something nice for yourself?" Cole says, leading the cry-fest.

RR does ask her a good question. "Why the heck haven't you thrown a party for yourself?" or words to that effect. Cole says, “This is going to be HER birthday party too and she'll be sharing it with Rachael.” Really, I'm not fan of RR, but I wouldn’t blame her a bit if she didn't feel like sharing her birthday with a total stranger. Goodness! Here's Billy Ray Cyrus singing Happy Birthday to Rachael AND Janice and Dr. Phil on tape with some un-pithy words of wisdom.

Oh, John and Grettttta are there in some other kitchen. John is cooking for her. Couldn’t he have shaved and put on a clean shirt?

More video messages. Ty, that carpenter guy, found a whole lot of people that didn’t know Rachael and whom she didn’t know and they yelled Happy Birthday to her.

Valerie came out and Rachael was authentically thrilled to at least KNOW one person who was wishing her Happy Birthday. They switch the set and it’s a mock-up of whatever that show was that Valerie was on. Bonnie, looking fabulous, wishes her happy birthday on tape and tells her she’s making her an honorary 3rd daughter. (Let’s hope she doesn’t turn out like the older one.) The super comes out bringing a One Day At A Time poster with Rachael’s pictures on it. Good, they finally said the name of the show which I couldn’t remember. They spend a few minutes reminiscing. They mention Mackenzie, but this was probably taped before her last arrest.

Famous first friend, Gayle, wishes her a heartfelt happy birthday. Cole is back…Oh, they just told us Colby is his name…I prefer Cole. Janice gets brought up to the stage. (For someone who spends no time on herself, where did she get the time to get her hair that color?) Janice’s friends and family come out, while Rachael reads what the gift is. If these friends are SO great, how come they never thought to celebrate her birthday before?

AMEX is giving this random woman FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of gift cards. Did they tell her that there’s a $3.95 charge for each card? With the highest denomination being $500, that’s a whopping add-on. AND after the first year, they take $2.00 a month off the value of the card as a “service fee”. Maybe they waved it for her. I suppose she could go out and buy a Camry.

Amex Gift Cards are a pain:

Terms and Conditions apply to Gift cards.

*Subject to applicable law, a monthly service fee of $2.00 applies but is waived for first 12 months after purchase.
*In one order, you can purchase up to 50 American Express® Gift Cards, which will be sent directly to you at your billing address. *There is a maximum order size of $5000 that can be purchased within a 14-day period. *Orders of $200 and up can only be shipped via UPS. *American Express is no longer shipping Gift Cards to the states of CT, HI, NH, RI & VT. Based upon legislation in these five states, it is cost prohibitive for American Express to sell our Gift Cards.

Back from a break, RR is in the kitchen, thinking she’s going to make chowder. John comes out and says he’s going to make her Chicken Carbonara. They hug a little too much.

More random people, firefighters this time and people standing next to the completely bad Madame Tussaud’s replica of her, say Happy Birthday.

Rachael is overwhelmed. I’m underwhelmed. John is cooking. Frankly, I don’t watch RR’s cooking segments. Why would I watch his? There are some brown things in a watery mixture, what the heck is that? He whisks in beaten eggs and now it looks even worse. I should have paid attention, I guess. He puts 2 anchovies in a pan (could he spare them?) with garlic and oil.

Tomorrow’s show with Whitney looks SO much better. I love Whitney and her nasally California girl accent. I am getting a little tired of LC requiring 100% loyalty from her friends, though. Audrina is right to begin to get a life of her own…Oh sorry...am I revealing a secret obsession?

OMG, the recipe is complete. There is a brown mound on the plate, I’m not kidding. It looks like dog food or worse. They, luckily, IMMEDIATELY bring out the cake, which is a replica of her(?) kitchen.

The end of show brings a special message from the grand Pooh-bah herself, Oprah, with some special hooey-gooey words on turning 40.

This show was soooooooooo lame, if I were RR, I’d fire each and every producer and replace all those “friends”…and the husband too.

The Rest Of "25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs"

I’m baaack with the rest of the list of the Top Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs, including one very fascinating fact that I promised you.

No. 14 One Famous TV Kitchen Is Museum Quality
Oh, for goodness sake, everyone knows that one. Julia’s kitchen is in the Smithsonian.

No. 13 There’s No Easy Recipe For Becoming A TV Chef
They said there’s not one way to become the next Rachael Ray. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! Plus culinary competition shows have become popular. What great insight…

No. 12 Even Iron Chef Judges Have To Watch The Clock
Ted says he takes it very seriously and they are only allowed to discuss the food at the the moment of judging. If they get up from the table, as I guess they have to occasionally in the hours it takes to shoot, the judges are prohibited from conversing about the food. Alton says the entire judging process takes about 2 hours.

No. 11 TV Chefs Always Know What To Say
Mario says he has no teleprompter and no script and he mentions that he has won 970 shows. Is that possible? Is he joshing us? Gordon says his show is real. Emeril says there’s no script. Nigella says it’s quite informal and avoids scripted shows. They obviously have sooo run out of good categories…

No. 10 You’ll Never Catch Rachel (STILL misspelt) Ray In A Chef’s Uniform
GEE, I WONDER WHY…
This earnest food stylist says, “Some of the people on TV really can’t wear a chef’s jackets, because they’re not chefs.” In classic understatement, she says Rachael Ray is a perfect example of that. Yeah, honey, of that AND the bastardization of the Food Network.

This stylist goes on to tell us that there is a history and honor behind the chef’s jacket and the toque. (RR should wear a skullcap, in that case.) The more pleats in the chef’s hat, the more knowledge and skill the chef has, she said. Others say it signifies the number of ways there are to cook an egg. C’mon, you didn’t know that, did you?

No. 9 Catch Phrases Can Make TV Chefs Even More Popular
WAIT, let me guess: Bam! from Emeril; Bon Appétit from Julia, Yum-O (Yucko) from RR and Pour me another one! from Aunt Sandy.

These are the brilliant ones this show came up with:
Rachael – EVOO
Emeril - Bam!

They’re not even trying!

No. 8 Coming Up With Recipes Is A Team Effort
We already learned that Emeril has 130 people working on Emeril Live. Bobby has a team of 3 people to taste his recipes and help him improve them. Giada has someone to help her test recipes, but she writes them all. And other chefs have other people doing the recipes. THAT is a lame one, but I promise you the exciting one is coming up.

No. 7 For The Right Price, A TV Chef Can Cook For You
Really? The food stylist person says they get an appearance fee of 50 to 100 thousand dollars when they show up to places. I hope tat includes ingredients.

No. 6 Gordon Ramsey Is A Step Ahead Of The Game
Okay, here it is…the big one. I didn’t know this and it’s very impressive. More than his prodigious culinary skills or his wretched television persona, Gordon Ramsey has size 15 feet!!! And you know what they say about that, don’t you? Big Feet… click here.

Now admit it, that was worth waiting for, wasn’t it?

No. 5 It’s Not Just The Heat In The Kitchen For One TV Chef
Oh gosh, they gave Rocco his very own number. THAT is not necessary.

After we followed Rocco for 2 years (was it actually on for 2 whole seasons?), he got sued by his former partner. I’m not sure what took Jeffrey so long. After all, there was weekly proof ON TELEVISION that Rocco wasn’t in the kitchen cooking.

He WAS running things, though --- his hands through his thick mane of hair, or down the back of some model, but cooking? Not so much. His ego was even bigger than his malfeasance. Rocco says they battled over “the vision of the restaurant." It was more that Jeffrey (no shrinking violet himself) wanting an actual restaurant that served actual customers and Rocco wanted a platform for his celebrity.

The food stylist says she knew when she first saw “The Restaurant” that the show wasn’t going to do Rocco any good, because it “was so pushed to the limit TV.” How about because it showed Rocco as a total blowhard? I’m not sure “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” is true.

No. 4 Even The Pros Make A Mess In The Kitchen
Rachael set bread on fire. Oh, I guess that’s where her phobia about toast comes from. Gordon says he’s made thousands of mistakes. He once sent out a duck covered in pastry without the duck. (THAT was a new bit of information.) Giada says when something burns, they laugh AND cry about it. Who can forget (which they don’t mention) Julia always cutting her fingers and the subsequent lampooning on SNL?

No. 3 Jamie Oliver Teaches Kids A Trade
I knew this too. They did give us a fabulous look as Jamie took kids, not destined for much more than the dole, and got them involved in a culinary education which would actually give them a trade. He opened a nonprofit restaurant called Fifteen to give them jobs. Plus they mentioned his campaigning to ban junk food in the schools.

No. 2 For Some Cooking Shows Location Is Everything
How is that a surprise that a travel and cooking show is all about location?!! This really is a knuckleheaded list.

The chefs have a final say on which location they visit. Giada says it’s a collaboration and the producers present her with a list from which to choose. Tony is more brash, “We go where I want to go. We do NOT go where I don’t want to go.” I guess this is what the earlier quote “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?” refers to…

Here we are at number one. DumDeeDumDum…or just plain dumb:

No. 1 TV Chefs Rarely Cook At Home
Bobby says that’s true, that chefs probably order in more than they cook at home. I thought part of Rachael’s shtick was that she always went home…at 10 or 11 at night…and cooked dinner for herself and her husband. Giada says there is NO WAY that she cooks at home after a 15 hour day.

That was a pretty poor list. I can come up with a bunch of much better provocative facts about TV chefs:

Bobby got his start as a male model on New York City subway billboards.
Michael was a typing teacher in Chino, before going into the kitchen.
Nigella and Paul McCartney were involved for years.
Tyler played Bobby’s best friend and Cindy’s first boyfriend on The Brady Bunch.
Ina is secretly a real estate titan and owns the George V Hotel in Paris.

Of course none of those is true, but when did that ever stop anyone from printing anything? AND they’re a whole bunch more interesting than the “facts” on this dumb show.

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About TV Chefs, But Were Afraid To Ask

Does everyone get this weird "TV Guide" station? It has television listings scrolling on the bottom third of the screen the entire time you're trying to watch whatever they're showing.

The other night they had a program on that I’m sure EVERY fan of food television would have been interested in…had it been on a real channel. It was called 25 Things You Didn't Know About TV Chefs. I was very excited and got ready to settle into a riveting hour, yup a whole hour’s worth of juicy tidbits about our favorite food celebrities. Here’s what I learned:

We learned right off the bat that Anthony Bourdain is milking his fame for what it’s worth - HE said that - and that Nigella was a journalist for most of her working life. That last one was part of the first category:

No. 25 Not All TV Chefs Started In The Kitchen
Gordon – soccer
Nigella – journalist
RR – buyer

No. 24 There’s No 30 Minute Meals For TV Chefs
Giada says to shoot one half hour show, it takes about 15 hours.
Nigella shoots 1 episode in 3 days.
Emeril says he has 130 people (!!!) working on Emeril Live.

No. 23 Even TV Chefs Can Be Picky Eaters
Bobby doesn’t like lentils.
RR hates mayonnaise. Whoop-Dee-Doo!

Okay, I’m getting the feeling that this is a less than well researched show. I think they pulled together quotes from celebrity magazines and red carpet interviews and got a bunch of interns to put this together. There MUST be something interesting that we’re going to learn.

No. 22 It’s Not Always Fine Dining For One TV Chef
Tony will consume anything he has to - eyeballs included. Emeril likes real food, he says he’s not going to eat rattlesnakes.

No. 21 TV Chefs Don’t Make Food Look Good
Food stylists do, and you don’t always want to eat what they’ve styled. They showed how a chicken is made to look juicy and brown. It’s spray tanned with Kitchen Bouquet while it’s still mostly raw, and not only would you not want to eat it, you probably wouldn’t recover for days, if you did.

We learn incidentally that Nigella loves Mario.

No. 20 Famous TV Chefs Get The Best Table In The House
Tony says he could walk into any restaurant in the world and eat well. Julia could too, on account of professional courtesy. Gordon says he never flexes his muscles outside of his “zone”. That’s probably a relief to his fellow chefs.

No. 19 One TV Chef Is Part Of The Law And Order Family
Stephanie March is married to Bobby and he’s been on Law and Order SVU.They were introduced by Mariska Hargitay. Whoa, that’s a big one. Is there one thing here that you didn’t know?!! I’m still waiting…

No. 18 People Have Voted For Their Sexiest TV Chef
This is getting just plain dumb. The sixth graders they had think up these categories should go back to school for another decade or so. (Actually, that’s an insult to 6th graders, who are much more on the ball.)

One stylist said TV chefs are sexy and they have HUGE…what in the world is she going to say? Oh, followings.

DAVE Lieberman is one example. Oh, come on! Next they mention Rocco. Puleez! What about Tyler? Giada? Bobby?

No. 17 One TV Chef Would Like To Thank The Academy
Obviously, they’re talking about Wolfgang Puck. He’s in charge of feeding 1600 at the Governor’s Ball. I thought this was supposed to be stuff we didn’t know. They have 600 waiters in the dining room (I guess there are a lot of actors NOT out of work that night) and 200 people in the kitchen. Wolfgang has been doing The Governor’s Ball for 12 years.

No. 16 One TV Show Made Rachael Ray A Household Name
(THEY spelled her name Rachel. That’s rich!) She made an appearance on the Today Show and The Food Network signed her up. EVERYBODY knows that and it’s been written about everywhere, including here.

There’s a tease for “What’s the one thing Tony Bourdain won’t do on his show?

No. 15 Bobby Flay Likes To Horse Around
Bobby owns thoroughbred race horses. FINALLY, something I didn’t know. They didn’t say he RIDES them. They said he owns them.

Okay, kids, (who do I sound like?) enough for one day. You’ll have to keep tuning in for the rest of the list, including the TOP TEN Things You Didn’t Know About TV Chefs. And I promise you there is ONE truly noteworthy thing on the list…one that I didn't know and that I think you'll find intriguing.

I Went To The Dark Side

I was making mustard (guess which kind of mustard!) and panko crusted chicken breasts the other day and I wanted a pasta dish to go with it. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I decided to search around RR’s recipes.

This is what I found. I tried only the pasta part of the recipe, because I already had the chicken covered. Plus I didn’t like the idea of dipping the chicken in slimy egg whites before the cheese. I know that many folks use whites instead of the whole egg and that IS a good idea for cutting down on fat, but I wanted mine to taste good. (Rachael DOES direct you to season both sides of the chicken BEFORE coating, which oftentimes is forgotten.)

Anyway, the pasta part seemed benign enough and I resolved to follow that section of the recipe EXACTLY as written, even if I had to fight every right-thinking impulse I had.

There seems to be an awful lot of DROPPING going on in the recipe: “drop your chicken cutlets”; “drop your pasta”…at least no one is dropping his drawers. I’m just wondering if I’m going to feel like dropping the finished product on the floor... We’ll see.

We’re told to boil a large pot of salted water for the pasta and cook the pasta, saving some of the water. Meanwhile, we’re cooking scallions, garlic and lots of parsley in olive oil. Hold it right there. A cup of parsley is going in NOW?

That’s not right. I should add the parsley at the end, so it gives the dish freshness and keeps its color. Oh, gosh, I SAID I was going to follow the recipe exactly, but everything I know, every bit of experience I've garnered in all these years of cooking is telling me not to add the parsley until the dish is finished. It'll turn brown, I just know it will. WHAT TO DO?!! I do as I’m told, which doesn’t happen too often…because I said I would. I reluctantly mix in the parsley.

I add the remaining ingredients – lemon zest and juice, artichoke hearts, cheese and some pasta water. I “hit” the pan as directed with seasonings, then toss in the pasta and add spinach leaves at the end.

Okay, I followed her recipe. Here's the dish:

What do you think?

The parsley one hundred percent definitively should NOT have been added that early. It gathers in olive green unattractive lumps in different parts of the dish.

I’m glad I didn’t involve her in the chicken part of the dish. (That's a roasted tomato on the side, which I'll show you another day.)



HER chicken would not have been particularly good. Using ALL grated Parmesan and no crumbs in the coating would have given it a freakish, I mean fricco-ish, coating that would shatter too easily and probably make each bite too salty. Cheese mixed into breadcrumbs or panko is better balanced.

Actually, the pasta didn’t taste bad. But I knew that the parsley had been mishandled and that the dish would have had a much nicer, fresher aspect if only it had been added at the end. It just goes to show that instinct and experience are as important in the kitchen as in the real world.

The only other thing I can say is that, at least, no part of the dish was from pre-made, shelf-stable products and, thank goodness, there were no table decorating tips to go along with it.

Here And There

Remember when it looked like I was lying (I prefer thinking of it as being "misinformed”) and said Nightline was doing a story on the Iron Chef last Friday? Well, nice of them to tell me, but it was on THIS Thursday - last night.

You really didn’t miss anything, though. The Nightline correspondent, dressed rather inappropriately, I felt, in a bright summer party dress, walked around the set with Alton.

His only anti-fan comment (I'm recalling when I reported that someone else reported, probably 5th hand, that he dissed his overweight fans, supposedly out of their hearing, but not really…) was laughing haughtily at the idea that members of the Iron Chef audience thought they would be fed. (Hmmm, I guess that’s all part of his anti-fat bias.)

They showed the “smoke” from the dry ice that was pumped into the kitchen continuously; we saw the ingredient set-up that each chef works from - “a small grocery store” was how Alton described it; we met the tiny and indomitable Cat Cora; Michael Symon said hi. I like him. He said Iron Chef is no different from what chefs do in a restaurant every night. Yeah, but you don’t have that annoying guy in a suit narrating your every move.

The most interesting thing we learned (but I think we knew this anyway) was that the chefs are given IN ADVANCE three possibilities for the secret ingredient.

The story on the Nightline website is the exact story that was there last week. At least they didn’t change the date. Whatever…But don’t promo something, not have it on, put it your website as if it had been on and then show it a week later as if it were a new story. Harrumph!

***

I’m sure you’ve heard the news of RR’s new venture – DOG (and cat) Food. The GOOD news is that parts of the proceeds are going to the animal welfare arm of her empire.

The BAD news is the name – NUTRISH – I guess a variation of Delish…
GMAB. Even my exterminator (don’t ask, but I will not have ants running around the radon canisters planted all over my granite) thought that was a bit much.



Animals need all the help they can get, but I’m surprised RR wasn’t worried about the inevitable comparison of Nutrish to her REGULAR food. One can only hope the animals got the better deal.

***

Poor Tom Colicchio had a real waste of a morning on the Today Show this morning. I caught him in the middle of being forced to compete with the constantly interrupting Kathee Lee Gifford - Kathie Lie Gifford? or however she spells it. The other, much more muted, women of Today - Meredith, Hoda and Natalie – were also there.

They were tasting three dishes for some contest or other. Several of them had various food issues – no watermelon, no raw fish – not exactly the perfect panel for judging. They tasted the dishes (or whatever part of them they could stomach - Kathie Lee spit one out) and came up with a winner after a quick huddle.

Poor Tom stood 3 feet away, looking completely beaten down by stupidity of this segment. Then he said he’d be back in December. I guess he meant with the next season of Top Chef. This winning segment isn’t on the website yet…(the show is still on) I’ll include it later…

Postscript:

I finally found the video of this segment. The three dishes were made by 3 Top Chef contestants of the season currently filming in New York. Their challenge was to make a dish to be demonstrated on the Today Show. Tom claimed the judges couldn't decide on a winner and needed the Today Show crew to help. (Yeah, right!) The winner will appear on the Today Show to demonstrate the recipe deep into the next Top Chef season.

Latest Rachael Ray News

RR's accountant is suing her show. Not for monies owed or anything like that, but for having to work in a hostile environment. Apparently his anorexia was spurned and ridiculed by his supervisor.

I think the most interesting part of the story is that an anorexic would WANT to work for Rachael Ray in the first place. (Of course, ANYONE with ANYTHING should be able to work ANYWHERE, if he or she can perform the job.)

Even someone with normal eating habits could get a bit ill after watching how to stuff a meatloaf into a hamburger and top it off with some ground turkey for a figure-friendly finish.

Rachael Bests Ellen At The Daytime Emmys

Yup, RR walked away with Best Talk Show at last night's Daytime Emmy's. She was competing against Ellen (up for her 5th consecutive win in this category) and The View.

I have no problem that she won. The first 46 minutes of The Rachael Ray Show can be enjoyable. She asks viewers to try weird devices and potions and report back. She gets grotty looking men to shower and change their clothes - that's called a makeover, which probably lasts as long as the camera is on...and she gets celebrities to chat.

Of course, my least favorite part of the show is the cooking. I won't watch that and I urge you not to. Otherwise, you might be roped into buying a 15 dollar plastic bowl in which to put your garbage.

But as a TALK Show, ok, I think it’s fine. RR is affable and well suited to the genre, and if it keeps her out of the kitchen longer, so much the better.

Do you think Barbara was really that delighted to lose?

Rachael, picking up the hardware with Executive Producer Janet Annino.