Paula Keeps Coming Up

The entire Fat Chef concept would have been a far better path for Paula to take than the one she did. If she had carried us along on her journey to health and wellness, her countless fans would have cheered and encouraged her. 

Wouldn't everyone have watched a reality show about Paula NOT using a stick of butter on a slice of toast or training to enter a 3K race? (Is there such a thing?) But she’s been made so defensive by the reaction to her news, and especially her Big Pharma contract, that who knows what her next steps will be. Should she just keep on keeping on? That’s probably not the greatest option. She couldn’t even eat a hamburger on her recent fan cruise without being pilloried. It IS hard to watch the “old” Paula knowing that the inevitable shoe has dropped.

Bravo’s Andy Cohen, now that he has a nightly “Watch What Happens Live” show to fill up every night, is found of asking the food pros (often from Top Chef) what they think of the whole Paula issue. Gail Simmons had this to say. Last night, Tom Colicchio said he was far more disturbed by her connection to Smithfield Ham than he was by the drug company contract. He suggested we all read a 2006 article from Rolling Stone, “Bosshog”, about the questionable practices of the Smithfield company. The article is only available to subscribers of Rolling Stone in their archives, but here’s a wrapup.

The Smithfield company was also featured in a Pulitzer prize-winning article in 2000 for National Reporting as part of the New York Times series, How Race Is Lived In America. The article, “At a Slaughterhouse, Some Things Never Die” is pretty heavy stuff and one would hope that a decade has brought changes to the way both the workers AND the animals are treated.

BTW, this was the Smithfield company’s response to the Rolling Stone article. AND I suppose Paula could criticize Tom for selling Diet Coke. Here are some other surprising endorsements by famous chefs. (I had no idea about the Rick Bayless one.) 

Top Chef All-Stars - Were You As Sure As I Was Who Was Going To Win?

The final two chefs head out for battle. Luckily, Tom tells Richard and Mike that there will be no tricks or turns. This last challenge will be a straight forward cooking one – they have to create the restaurant of their dreams…in a four course tasting menu.

Back at the hotel, Richard, wearing that goofy knitted hat with the brim, asks Mike who he would want as his sous-chef. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Richard and Mike, ALL the other cheftestants have come back and are assembled in the kitchen. They will have 30 minutes to make an amuse bouche.

Richard and Mike will taste each one and pick their 3 sous chefs from the dishes they like the best. In other words, they will have no idea who they are choosing. I thought they were promised no tricks.

This busts their plans a bit, because Richard really wanted Jen Carroll, Angelo and Dale. Mike really didn’t want Jamie or Marcel.

After tasting, Richard picks Spike, Angelo and Antonia. He’s worried and asks her if she’s okay, because she was just eliminated. She says she is.

Mike gets Tiffani, Carla and Jamie. He calls them his angels. At least he didn’t say goddesses.

Richard says (to us) that Mike’s strengths are his confidence and swagger. He continues that Mike’s weaknesses are…guess what?...his confidence and his swagger.

Mike tells us that in his season, in Las Vegas, he wasn’t mature enough to make it to the finals, but now he is. (?) Ok, his cooking is fantastic, but he always has a smirk on his face, so it’s hard to take him seriously…or trust him.

Richard, who won’t stop telling us how he choked last time, says he tried to tell too much of a story last time. This time he’s just going to “cook delicious tasting food”. Good plan. And I wish he would get over the choking bit! He says it like it’s some kind of excuse.

At the last minute, Richard changes the dessert from Cap'n Crunch something or other to foie gras ice cream. He has Spike helping him with dessert, as well as being in the dining room running a bit of reconnaissance, trying to hear what people are saying about his food.

Tom comes into the kitchen to check in and he says something kind of off-putting to Mike, but Mike isn’t smart or sensitive enough to take it seriously. Tom says he didn’t think anyone picked him to be in the finals. Mike actually laughs it off and says HE was the only one to pick himself. I guess sometimes it pays not to have a brain thin skin.

Here are all the final dishes.

Several judges and special guests start their evening at Richard’s “Tongue & Cheek” restaurant, while a second group dines at Mike’s “Iz”.

At Richard’s is Padma, Hubert Keller (guest judge), Lidia Bastianich (cool!), the Terlato wine guy and Alfred Portale from Gotham Bar and Grill, who looks and sounds EXACTLY like an actor I can’t think of right now. Can you?

Spike is skulking around the dining room just as Alfred says Richard’s oyster amuse shows a lot of skill and sophistication. (Is it really a good idea for him to be wearing his fedora and untucked plaid shirt as he gathers intelligence for Richard?) Spike reports that they LOVED the oyster and thought it was really well-balanced.

Richard’s next course of raw hamachi with veal sweetbreads goes over well. (Remember Antonia’s hamachi last week went bad? And she had to substitute tuna.) Bill Terlato loves all the different elements, which Lidia says harmonize well together. The other cheftestants get to dine too and we see Tiffany smacking her lips. Spike reports that the diners licked their plates clean on that course.

At Mike’s restaurant, Gail introduces Mike to Art Smith, Curtis Stone, who has a second (non-cooking) TV gig as host of Top Chef Masters, and Tom, of course. They are super impressed with his first course of beets with a CHOCOLATE vinaigrette. That’s so ballsy and it sounds amazing to me. Art says it’s subtle. Tom says he’s off to a good start.

There is a bit of a lag before the judges get their second course – a steamed halibut with kumquat marmalade. (I’m loving his food!) Tom says it’s nice looking. Curtis says it’s beautifully cooked. Tom continues, “I don’t think I’ve ever had a piece of fish on the show cooked this nicely.” Curtis says he’s forgotten about the wait.

Back to Richard, his second course is pork belly and black cod. He’s also using kumquat. Alfred Portale proclaims it “a beautiful dish” as it’s set down in front of him. Padma says, “Wow!” Dale says, “This is Richie at his best.”

When the judges’ plates come back to the kitchen, Richard starts to obsess that they’re not picked clean. Spike yells at him that they loved that dish. For goodness sake, they have A LOT to eat in a short time.

Richard moves on with a braised short rib and red cabbage marmalade. Isn't that kind of boring? Richard describes it as “simple”. Lidia says Mmm as she tastes it. Alfred says it’s not that high on the creativity scale, “but execution is good and it’s REALLY delicious.”

Spike is creeping around some more. He tells Richard that they said the dish showed restraint and that “there wasn’t that much going on”. Should he have said that?

Mike’s third course is a braised pork shoulder with a pepperoni sauce. (HOW could that be bad?!!) He says that Tom always argues about whether something is glazed or not and he made this dish just for him and IT’S GLAZED! The judges are entranced. Curtis says, “That’s a nice plate of food.” Tom raises his eyebrows as he chews as if he’s in (hog) heaven. Art: “It’s pretty fantastic.”

I am pretty darned sure that Mike is going to win. It just seems as if things are completely going his way and his food is utterly delicious. I wonder, at this point, if there is any way he can lose.

Smiling at his plate, Tom says, “This is as good as anybody’s food in the finale. In fact, it’s better than most.” Listening to that, Mike seems to have it in the bag.

Mike’s last course is a rosemary caramel custard with pine nuts cooked in syrup and then deep-fried. Doesn’t that sound good? And it looks lovely.

Gosh, it turns out I AM a Mike fan. It took all season, but he finally got me. I am loving his food and I guess I can stand him...finally.

Uh-oh, Tom is not won over. He says it’s overcooked and cooked too fast. Unfortunately that’s the taste he’ll be left with, but I hope he remembers his reverie over the pepperoni-sauced pork. Art likes the flavor, but not the texture.

Richard’s corn bread and foie gras ice cream is served. Alfred does not like the freeze dried texture of the ice cream, which, to me, looks like tuna salad. Lidia says the foie gras doesn’t add a lot.

Spike is prowling around and tells Richard it’s a controversial dish. He suggests that they add milk to it…to make it creamier?, I guess. So they whip up a different batch for the second group of judges. Are they allowed to do that? I guess if they find the time, they can do anything they want.

Hubert loved Richard’s food, admitting, though, that dessert wasn’t as good as the rest of it.

At Mike’s restaurant, Tom says the wait between two of the courses was the only problem. Mike is definitely winning.

The judges switch restaurants. Alfred says Michael’s chocolate vinaigrette is very clever. This group also loves his fish. Mike tells us he feels awesome at this point.

Curtis and Tom are impressed by Richard’s oyster amuse bouche with the frozen crème fraiche. As they taste, we have Richard telling us that he’s been haunted for 3 years by not winning Top Chef.

REALLY, if anyone should be haunted it should be Stefan for losing to Hosea. I guess Richard did flounder, but, at least, he lost to someone good, although Stephanie was never really expected to win, I don’t think.

Tom says “beautiful textures nice flavors about Richard’s Hamachi. Bill Terlato says he can really see a grandmother’s influence in Mike’s restaurant and NOT in the foie gras ice cream, as a bit of a dig at Richard.  I can’t see Mike NOT winning.

Tom and Gail love Richard’s short ribs, but they don’t go on about it as much as Mike’s pork with pepperoni sauce. They all really like the changed foie gras ice cream. Tom says the entire menu was nicely balanced.

Back at their luxurious version of a stew room, Mike giggles that it’s all over and asks Richard if he’s going crazy again. Richard asks him, somewhat incredulously, “You’re cool?” Mike says, “I did everything I wanted to do.” He’s super confident.

Ah-ha, is that earlier remark of Richard’s going to come home to roost, where his strength is his confidence and so is his weakness? I don’t see that as a problem, though, because he was so strong.

At Judges’ Table, Tom says it was the best food they’ve had at any finale. Padma asks Mike if it was harder than he thought this time around. He says the whole season “top to bottom” was tough.

Tom asks Richard how he feels after the last plate goes out. He says he’s a sentence or two away from an emotional breakdown. Gosh, Mike would have answered that question so differently.

Is it good or bad to have a chef that cares so much? Richard IS his food. I guess it’s good for the person eating the dish that’s Richard feels so deeply about it, but I can’t help feeling that he’s going to have a tough road ahead of him in the kitchen if he continues to over-emote over every single dish.

Oh, Tom does ask Mike the same question. He says he felt really happy and he was happy to have served his guests and that they left happy. That’s normal.

Tom and Gail heap praise on Mike’s fish dish (Tom:  “Can’t find a flaw with it”) and his sensational pepperoni sauce. Richard is looking sicker and sicker. Hubert says he has to leave that dish on his menu when he opens his restaurant.  Tom does mention his less than perfect custard.

Hubert says Richard’s amuse was brilliant. Tom says his hamachi was a really successful dish and his beef dish was “safe” but perfectly done.

Padma asks Mike why his restaurant should earn him the title Top Chef. He says he really wanted to get there and show them who he had become. Then he gets sentimental (still with a big smirk) and says something about his wife and wanting this more than he can say.

Richard answers that he hopes his restaurant that night showed them some creativity and  his “new-found understanding of the pleasure principle”. Huh? He adds it’s not about him, but about the guest.

My money is on Mike.

Richard adds that the money would give him the opportunity to open a restaurant and do what he would want to as a chef. Is $200,000 even enough to BEGIN to open a restaurant these days? You could probably outfit a really food truck with that money.

Hubert says to Padma, “It’s going to be a tough one.” Richard says to Mike in the stew room that ‘There was heavy petting going on for Mikey Isabella. “

Then their families arrive. Mike’s wife, sister and mom are there. Richard’s uncle is there, because his wife is very pregnant.

Back in the room with the judges, Tom says he’s on the fence and he’s really not quite sure yet who won. Hubert says it’s amazing that they only had 5 hours to put it together.

Okay, let’s get to it. They analyze each course and it still seems even. Tom says both of them have a long career in front of them. Padma says she thinks they have a new Top Chef, even though from listening to their comments, we have NO IDEA who they’ve chosen. I still think it’s Mike, based on what they said as they were eating, although at Judges’ Table, it seemed closer.

And here it is. Tom says either one of them is worthy of the title. And the new Top Chef is…Richard. He looks SHOCKED! Mike looks down cast. Padma and Gail hug him like he’s a little boy, who just scraped his knee. Mike says (to us) he feels like he beat Richard and he just didn’t win the prize. We see a strange moment when he calls his wife and says. “I won Top Chef.” She says WHAT? And then we don’t hear anything else. Weird.

On the really poor after-show (they need a Real Housewife or two), Richard and Mike are in NY live with Andy. They both look awful. Richard’s hair looks dreadful and Mike looks like he needs to go on a spa retreat, although he IS quite jolly. In fact, he’s a lot jollier than Richard. It just goes to show, however many prizes you win, you need to feel worthwhile from the inside out. Mike has no need of a title to feel valuable. Richard, in spite of the title, seems to always need validation. 

Top Chef All-Stars - The Envelope Please And For Mike, Blood Is Only Thicker Than Water When It’s Convenient

Top Chef All-Stars Last Supper

The finale of Top Chef All Stars is tomorrow. Gosh, it feels as if we’ve been watching this season for ages!

The three remaining chefs, Antonia, Mike and Richard have to pick through a season of Quickfire horrors to decide what their last Quickfire dish will be. Because Mike won the last Elimination Challenge, he gets to choose first.

He picks Antonia to cook a dish only from canned foods. Antonia picks Richard to make a dish from hot dogs and hot dog accoutrements. And Richard, for some reason, gives Mike a one pot challenge, which is the easiest of the lot.

As they’re cooking, Padma comes in and throws a wrench in the works. They each will have one horrible thing added to the way they can cook their dish. It shakes out like this – Mike can use no utensils or tools; Richard can only use one hand; and Antonia has Carla tied to her and each of them can use only one hand. Mike is the least affected, since his dish was mostly finished.

Padma and Wolfgang Puck, the guest judge, come back to taste. Wolfgang says Antonia’s coconut curry soup has strong flavors, but good balance.

Richard in his usual over-achieving way, made a curried wurst AND bread AND ketchup. Wolfgang looks at it and says he could feed it to his kids. Richard looks crushed, but actually he meant it in a good way.

Mike’s braised pork shoulder with black beans is a bit tough, but again Wolfgang likes the balance. And Mike is the winner. He gets $5000 from Terlato Wines.

They move on to the Cloisters. For a minute I thought I missed the part where they went back to New York, and they went to the Cloisters in the Bronx. No, not exactly.

THESE Cloisters are at the “one and only” Ocean Club. The Bronx Cloisters are impressive with gorgeous views of the George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River, but the Cloisters in the Bahamas are breathtaking.

Speaking of the Bronx, check this out and stay out of the way of any stray cobras! 

There they are met by Morimoto, Wolfgang Puck and Michelle Bernstein. The chefs’ Elimination Challenge is to create a last supper for these chefs based on their favorite foods. Mike as the Quickfire winner AGAIN gets to choose who gets whom. He chooses Morimoto for Antonia. Of course, he does. Here’s where their cousinhood means nothing (I’m not saying it should) and he probably is assuring her elimination.

He chooses Michelle Bernstein for himself and Richard gets Wolfgang. Mike says (to us) that he wants to compete in the finals against the best and he thinks Richard is the best.

It’s not that I think that Mike and Richard are so much better than Antonia, but Morimoto’s dish is obviously going to be the hardest, because it’s Japanese and much more alien to them.

Before the chefs confer, Padma says there’s one more “final surprise” in the envelope that she’s holding, which won’t be revealed until the next night. 

Wolfgang tells Richard he would want his last meal to be goulash, spätzle and apple strudel. Michelle wants fried chicken, biscuits and gravy. Whoo-hoo, how tough! NOT! And Morimoto tells Antonia that he wants rice, which has to picked through grain by grain, miso soup, pickles and sashimi. Good luck to her! She has one huge problem when the hamachi she was about to use is slimy and rancid. That’s not good. Wisely, she substitutes tuna.

Here are the dishes. They are tasted by the usual crew of judges - Tom, Gail and Padma. Plus these latest three chefs - Michelle Bernstein, Wolfgang and Morimoto – are there. AND Padma introduces Melanie Dunea, who wrote “The Last Supper”, where she interviewed FIFTY chefs about their last suppers.

Morimoto likes Antonia’s rice which was really the hardest element, but thinks her miso is salty. Tom says most Japanese food is very subtle, but hers is really highly spiced…TOO highly spiced.

Michelle is super happy with Mike’s reinterpretation of chicken and gravy. Instead of the biscuit he did an empanada. Morimoto says his white meat is dry. Tom doesn’t understand why he sous-vided the chicken first and THEN battered and fried it, because the batter kind of fell off.

Richard’s apple strudel came out amazingly well and Wolfgang says even his mother would have approved of this meal.

At the end of the meal, after much give and take between all the diners, the three chefs are told that Judges’ Table is taking place there and then. Michelle tells Mike that except for the chicken not being completely juicy and the breading falling off a bit, the dish would have been perfect. (Aren’t those kind of major things?)

Wolfgang says Richard got the flavors so right on, although the spätzle was tough.

Morimoto tells Antonia that her miso soup was salty, but that her food was very interesting.

Tom almost immediately says Richard will be cooking in the finale. Then Padma tells Antonia and Mike that only one of them will be moving on. And she asks them if they remember the envelope. Oy, what now? There are still more than 15 minutes left.

Padma hands the envelope to Antonia to open. She reads a card that says there is one more challenge left. Then Tom says they have 45 minutes to go back into the kitchen and make the judges one bite. The winner will move on to the final.

Not that I don’t think that’s an okay challenge, but I hate how they have these marathons of cooking, where the chefs give it their all, only to have to cook more. Then it becomes as much a physical challenge as a mental and skill-based one.

Mike’s dish was a well-prepared Caribbean lobster and beef tartare little taste. Antonia’s was a well-spiced, super flavorful grouper in a coconut lobster broth.

They go around the table, saying which dish they prefer. (The chefs aren't there.) 3 of them prefer Mike’s and 3 of them prefer Antonia’s with Wolfgang yet to speak.

Wolfgang says that he’d still be thinking of Antonia’s dish the next day, while Mike’s dish was technically prepared perfectly. We're left hanging during a commercial. And who wins? Mike. They can justify it somewhat, but Mike definitely didn’t walk away with it.

So in the end, the producers got exactly who they wanted in the finale and Richard finally gets the chance to redeem himself (in HIS eyes) and take the big prize. But will he? I’m not sure, because Mike is certainly on a roll and will do anything to win.

It’s A Boy!

Tom Colicchio and wife, Lori Silverbush, 

had their second child together today (March 22nd). 

Mateo Lev weighed 7.9 lbs 

and joins brother Luka Bodhi, who will be two in August. 

(Yup, two baby boys under 2 years old in the house!) 

Tom also has a third son, 17 year old Dante, from a previous relationship.

Congratulations!!!

Top Chef All Stars - Beached and Battered

Top Chef All-Stars Island Sun

Still in the Bahamas, the four remaining chefs get up early to head to the next challenge. Richard is wearing the strangest hat I’ve ever seen. It’s a woolen knit cap with a visor and it’s purple! Plus there’s something white sticking out of it, which looks weird. A label? A bandage? Maybe it’s a secret drawing of a recipe that’s he’s trying to keep hidden from Mike.

        

The chefs get to the kitchen of the Bahamian Club at the Atlantis and there’s Padma with Lorena (It’s all about the love) Garcia, the judge from America’s Next Great Restaurant. (Shall we simply call her Lorena IAATL?)

Padma tells the chefs that the Quickfire is about consistency and precision. “A great chef makes (a) dish exactly the same EVERY time,” she says. The chefs nod.

In teams of two (so that makes 2 teams), they have to make 100 identical servings of their dish and Padma and Lorena (IAATL) Garcia will pick random plates and then compare them for consistency. Shouldn’t the chefs’ dishes be consistent anyway… without making such a big deal of it? And how will they choose ONE winner? Oh, the winning team splits $5000. They have one hour. THAT would be the major roadblock to me.

Mike says the guys are the favored ones. Obviously, they’ll lose.

Mike is making pasta. Richard is making a Bolognese. The gals are making a beef salad. Just setting out 100 plates takes a LONG time.

Richard patronizingly describes the other team’s dish as “slice and serve”. The guys are SO losing.

Padma and Lorena (IAATL) come back into the kitchen and pick 2 numbered plates from each team.

Padma says their dishes look consistent. This is slightly dumb.

Lorena (IAATL) asks how the guys portioned their dishes. WAIT FOR MIKE’S ANSWER. IT’S A GOOD ONE! He says…HE SAYS (this is important) that they portioned the pasta and sauce with…READY?!!...A SERVING SPOON!!! The guys look like they’re holding back smirks. I, however, don’t have to hold back mine.

What the hooey difference does it make HOW they served the friggin’ thing? If they had been making cookies, then, yes, an ice cream scoop, for example, is a good thing to use to get uniform-sized cookies. But the fact that they used a simple spoon - and Lorena (IAATL) acts as if, yes, that was exactly the right tool to use - is laughable!!!

They move on to Antonia and Tiffany. (I’d bet MY serving spoon that they will be the winners.) Padma says, “These PLATES seem to look very similar…which is good.” Yes, I would say that’s good, since that’s what the challenge was! Is it me or is this sounding really inane?

Obviously, no matter how many dishes a chef is making, they should look the same. They’re acting as if this is a novel concept.

Lorena likes that the slices of meat are the same size. Well, if they weren’t, the plates wouldn’t look alike, would they?

Mike remarks to us that he could have done the gals’ dish by himself, while he sent Richard to the store for a six-pack. And the winners are…Tiffany and Antonia.  Duh! Winning! (Sorry, that was just pure and simple pandering.) The guys are mad.

They are going off on a boat to an island for their Elimination Challenge, which is to create a lunch menu to celebrate the 80th anniversary of the Nassau Yacht Club. (Yawn.)

The theme, Padma says, is deserted island. Richard immediately thinks of Lord of the Flies and that maybe they will have to catch a wild boar and kill it. Lorena Love (I shortened it) says they must incorporate conch into their dishes. Mike tells us he practiced with conch before he came out to the Bahamas and that it’s very difficult to work with. Richard says he has 20 pounds of conch in his freezer. (Boy, will he be unhappy to come home to THAT if he loses Top Chef!)

Next we see Padma in a bikini (with a translucent wrap), that they’ve been promo-ing all over the place. They leave for the island, not knowing anything about the kind of equipment they’re going to have.

Mike is trying to stay “Cool, calm and collective.” He is the least collective person there. When they get off the boat, they have to jump into four feet of water and run to the beach to open the boxes that are lying there. There are various ingredients and in the box labeled conch are snorkels and flippers. They realize they have to catch their own. Tiffany has never snorkeled before. I admit I would have given up.

I can’t see if they’ve been given spears or GUNS or nets. Antonia is catching hers in a net. The others have nets, as well. Tiffany can’t figure out how to use the snorkel so she goes freestyle. They all manage to catch some. That is amazing.

They have no electricity, no gadgets, and no liquid nitrogen, Richard says. This whole thing would be fun if they were off for a day on a deserted island and if $200,000 weren't riding on it. They have wood grills. They have to bang the conch shells open. Again, this would be great on a normal day. Mike puts the conch in their shells in boiling water for a second to loosen them up.

THIS is what I hate. They’ve spent all this time risking life and limb to CATCH the things, and THEN they have to shell them. Tiffany whoops it up when she pulls ONE conch out of the shell.

Padma and the judges arrive with the Yacht Club hotsy totsies. There follows a fascinating discussion about the reign of the Yacht Club King…or Commodore in sailing parlance.

This is shaping up to be every bit as illuminating as last week’s elimination challenge, which is to say, not compelling at all. The setting is spectacular, but the convo at the table is dim.

Okay, this is weird. Richard is plating up; he’s ready to go. And like a soldier bidding farewell to his family before going off to war, he says. “Mikey, I love you. Antonia, I love you.” EXCUUUSSSE ME, what about Tiffany? She HAS to be there. They’re on the same tiny stretch of beach on a deserted island. It’s just strange. Tiffany IS in the background.

Padma introduces Richard to the Commodore, his wife and “ALL their friends” she says. There are 8 people there, besides the judges. Two of them are the Commodore and his wife. That leaves 6. Hmm. This is all so odd. If they start talking about stamp collecting (no offence to any philatelists), I’m turning this off. That’s how riveting this is.

Lorena Love (LL) thinks Richard’s conch is undercooked. One of the Commodore’s (few) friends says they eat it that way in the islands and that it’s good, byatch! I’m just trying to liven things up.

The King of Commodores likes the mushroom with the conch. Poor Tom is confused and thinks he’s actually eating pasta, when it’s really ribbons of sweet potato. LL also thinks it’s pasta. Padma and Gail are in the know and realize it’s sweet potato. Whew! I’m glad that’s settled.

Oh wow, one of the friends is a sailfish champion. I’m not sure if that means he’s a sailor or a fisherman, but congrats! It’s getting windy and the clouds are darkening. That’s not good.

Antonia is next with her seared snapper and conch ceviche. The Bahamians turn out to be spice devils and LOVE her highly seasoned food. Tom, though, is not impressed with how small the conch is cut. He says you don’t know it’s really conch. And he adds, grumpily, that his fish is overcooked. He points to his neighbor and says his looks UNDERcooked. I think Antonia MAY be cooked too.

Tiffany is serving coconut chowder. The folks can’t figure out if it’s supposed to be hot or not. It’s not Tiffany’s fault that the fire couldn’t get really hot and the weather turned suddenly.  Oy, now I think it’s going to be her going home.

Gail is chatting up the sailor fish guy. Sorry, sailfish guy. Oh, I think a sailfish IS a boating apparatus of some kind.

Mike is next with his banana leaf-wrapped grouper. There’s one Englishman at the table who is very knowledgeable. He feels the fish is overwhelmed by the pineapple. Tom is grumpy (again) about the addition of butter. He just doesn’t understand why Mike would add BUTTER.

Gail likes his dish, referring to him as Michael numerous times. She’s trying to sound a bit yacht-clubbish. I think it would be funny to be there with all those stiffs and tawk Brooklynese and really play that up. Stiff or not, I’m sure they’re all perfectly nice.

Padma thanks them again for “allowing them to celebrate” with them. Oy! As soon as the cameras leave, the yachtsters will probably bring out the Goombay Smashes and get started limboing on the beach before they skinny dip with the conches.

Alright, I think it will be Tiffany. And how can there be EIGHTEEN minutes left? Oh, because they have some nonsense with the chefs figuring out who would be whom from Gilligan’s Island. Mike is the skipper (big and fat); Richard is the professor (smart); Tiffany is Ginger (no reason) and Antonia is Marianne. (Again, no reason).

Oh, we have so much time left because of the Top Chef Masters commercial, which seems to be more about the judges (including James Oseland) and host (snazzily coiffed Curtis Stone) than the actual chefs.

At Judges Table, Tom says they all did a great job. LL liked Antonia’s dish, but Tom didn’t like how small the conch was cut. Padma didn’t like the conventionality of it.

They move on to Richard. Tom cops to not knowing that it was sweet potato. Good for him.

Tiffany liked her own dish and so did LL. But Gail wanted it to be hot. Tiffany says it was when she was plating, but it got really windy. That’s so not fair. Tom thought it was a bit sweet.

On to Mike and Tom says butter doesn’t come into play in Caribbean flavors.

The chefs leave; the judges discuss. They come back in and Mike is the winner. Who’s going home? And it’s...Tiffany. Boohoo. I think Padma actually choked up as she told her to get out of there. That’s a shame. Tiffany did a good job. I think they all did amazing jobs, considering they were being asked to be Diver Dan’s instead of Top Chefs.

This episode bugged me. I didn’t want to see chefs diving into the water and risking harm and misfortune, catching wildlife in the ocean. What if they couldn’t swim? What if they wore contacts or glasses and couldn’t see? What if they got stung by a jelly fish or chomped on by a shark? This is SO unnecessary. Are we watching Top Chef of the Rugged Outdoors?

And this whole nonsense of not having proper equipment to cook with is so irritating. What exactly is this a test of? It’s NOT a test of the skills needed for putting fantastic food on a plate in a restaurant. That is ALL I require of a chef.

I want them to have all the equipment they need. In fact, I want them to have every piece of equipment they can dream of. And with that, I want them to have fabulous, fresh ingredients that they actually know how to work with. And it’s perfectly okay with me if the only test a chef goes through is to cook the same thing a million times perfectly. There’s your consistency and it needn’t involve flippers and a net.  

A Crafty Menu Means Extraordinary Food

I wasn’t aware of the controversy surrounding the menu at Tom Colicchio's Craft, because I was never lucky enough to go there…until LAST NIGHT, that is.

H(usband) had some lovely folks to take out and, after begging him to choose this place, he acquiesced.

Apparently, when Craft first opened, the menu was really complicated and extreme. Not only was it divided up by meat and fish etc., but ALSO by cooking method. So first you had to choose a protein, then you picked how you wanted it cooked - braised or roasted, for example - and THEN you picked the sauce. That was before you even thought about the side dishes, which all had to be chosen separately.

There’s something to be said for freedom of choice, but there’s also something satisfying about a chef preparing an entrée and garnishing it in the way that he or she imagines will make a perfect plate.

I like when there’s a vision, which hopefully will make the dish cohesive. Also having the extra accoutrements decided by the chef is a good way to taste things you’ve never tried before or didn’t think you liked. For example, I always think I hate quinoa, but, oh golly, was the quinoa great at Roy’s one night and I would NEVER have ordered it if left to my own devices.

Today, the menu at Craft is a lot simpler. It’s divided into first and main course sections, but you still have to pick your side dishes separately. That, to me, is absolutely no problem. You may have noticed that I’m rather opinionated (really about everything). With food, in particular, I have never been troubled by indecision.

I do know some people, though, for whom this kind of dining would be a disaster. They can’t decide on a parking place, much less put together an entire menu. Thankfully, my fellow diners had me to guide them. (Yeah, I know, they probably wished I was sitting at the next table.)

I started with my usual - ordering a Cosmopolitan made with Absolut Citron.

It was beautiful, it was lip-smacking delicious, but it was a bit different. It was more tart than usual and it tasted as if it could have been made with pink grapefruit juice. It wasn’t until later when I got home and studied the bill that I saw it had been made with Ketel Citroen. That’s funny that no one mentioned that.

Was it a fatal flaw? Of course not, but in as many places as not, I’m told that they don’t have Absolut Citron and they offer a substitute. In a fine dining establishment like this, I have to be honest, I think that’s unacceptable. And whether it was the server’s or the bartender’s fault, I think I should get back part of the SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS that that drink cost! Luckily, I didn’t know any of this at the time, so I didn’t have to hold a grudge during the meal.

The amuses arrived in tiny cups on a single plate in the middle of the table.

Do you find that agreeably casual or do you think it’s annoying when you have to grab stuff yourself? I admit I prefer when the server SERVES. It was a slightly thickened broth of something, perhaps mushroom. I honestly wasn’t paying attention, but it was just fine.

The first courses arrived, each on its own plate, delivered to the table. That was good, because it made sharing easier.

But there was one weird thing. When we sat down, each place had a dinner plate. Fine, but there was no bread plate and the menus (changed every single day) were a single sheet of paper on a heavy wooden rectangular holder. There was no place to put the menu, except ON the plate, which left no place for the bread. Remember there was a similar menu-shifting problem at Bouley?

What should have happened (and I can’t believe that it didn’t) was for the principals of the restaurant to sit down and be served a meal. Surely the bothersome menu and service plate situation would not have gone unnoticed.

Anyway, the food was to die for.

The Artichokes were tiny, perfect representations of the vegetable, still on the tender stalk - the best part.

The Agnolotti were luscious pillows with a creamy zucchini filling and a surprisingly hearty tomato-flecked sauce.

The Hamachi was the perfect starter for a heavy meal to come.

It was impeccably fresh with a hint of spiciness. The bad thing about the simplified menu is that it doesn’t say all the bits and pieces that each dish comes with, so if you’re not paying close attention you (I) miss some of the elements of the dish.

A word of advice when you’re dining at Craft - do NOT have each person order a starch and a vegetable, like we (I) did. It’s too much food, it brings an already rocketing bill soaring higher, but it IS a great way to taste many of Craft’s offerings in a single visit.

Main courses –

The Beef Short Ribs are a signature dish and for a reason. They were meltingly tender with a robust meaty flavor. The dish was served in gorgeous little oval-shaped copper casseroles.

In thinking about it afterwards, even though I know the idea at Craft is to serve everything family style, I still would have preferred the dish served on a plate with whatever starch I was ordering. I definitely didn’t get all the sauce out of the casserole and I think I left some delectable little onions behind. I’d really like a second chance with that dish. Unfortunately a gremlin got to my entrée pictures and these are the only ones:

The Halibut and the Suzuki (a Japanese sea bass) both came out simply prepared. The suzuki was really delicate and the halibut was meaty, but still extremely moist.

The sides –

OMG, honestly, you could forget the main courses (well, maybe not the short ribs) and just order side dishes and you’d dine magnificently.

The best was the potato purée. It must have been passed through a tamis strainer. It was smoothness personified and so rich and creamy. It definitely was not whipped, but strained, maybe over and over again. I think there was garlic in there and you could have eaten that purée alone with no problem. But with the short ribs, it was a match made in heaven.

The polenta was pretty great.

Thick and smooth, and maybe if I hadn’t had the potatoes too, that would have been one of my favorites.

One problem with having a daily changing menu, dishes rotate. I had seen Rouen Duck on the menu the day before, so I was all ready to order that. Sacre Bleu! The duck had flown, so the short ribs were deputized in its place.

Luckily, there was duck risotto on the side dish menu. Wow! THAT definitely could have stood on it own.

In fact, after our all-encompassing ordering frenzy at Craft, I would feel much more prepared to go back and order with more restraint. And if I didn’t find the Rouen duck, I would be perfectly thrilled to order the duck risotto as an entrée.

The Romano Beans were wonderful.

Not usually everybody’s favorite, these very starchy, thick, flat beans were cooked to complete softness, just the way they should have been. Perfectly seasoned, they could have been ordered in place of one of the starches.

The Swiss Chard was also not cooked timidly.

It must have been blanched first and then sautéed. Perfect with the short ribs and potatoes. Again, I would have loved to have been served the short ribs, potatoes and Swiss Chard on one plate, rather than serving myself from the center of the table, so I could have gotten every last bit of juicy yumminess.

The mushrooms are special at Craft.

When there some hesitation (I know, not usual for me) about which of 4 or 5 mushrooms to order, the waiter (the same one who tricked me with my vodka) kindly offered to bring an assortment of sautéed mushrooms. They were sooo good and another great choice for a non-meat eater.

There really was no room for dessert, so, as a result, we (okay, I) ONLY ordered for HALF THE TABLE, instead of my usual ordering for HALF THE RESTAURANT.

We had one Malted Milk Semifreddo.

Actually, it was okay, but a little timid and nothing that I would have to have again. However, the ice creams were another story.

I’m so happy that my father taught me so many years ago that vanilla ice cream is a great way to judge a pastry chef.

The Vanilla Ice Cream was fantastic.

It must have been made with the finest vanilla beans (from Tahiti? Madagascar? Actually, for all I know, those are the same places), because the flavor of the vanilla was outstanding and very, very pronounced. And it tasted as if the richest heavy cream and eggs were used. AND it was quite a generous scoop.

The Pumpkin-Maple Ice Cream was on an equal footing with the vanilla.

The pumpkin flavor was intense and sweetened and spiced perfectly. Plus they were the steal of the night at $5 a scoop.

It’s funny that reader Amy recently reminded me about Tom’s impatience on Top Chef when Angelo (I think it was) wanted to tell diners HOW they’re supposed to eat something. Tom got all hot and bothered when that was used as an excuse for a poor showing with a particular dish.

Craft definitely doesn't tell its diners what to order and, more particularly, what to order TOGETHER. It's left up to the diner with a server's intervention only if requested.

What I really appreciated about Craft was that, even though it showed off American cooking at its best, other cuisines are definitely represented in its excellent dishes. The sautéing is all French; certain vegetables get a distinct Italian handling. Even Asia is represented somewhat by the fresh fish offerings for the first course.

Desserts are a great combination of American, French and Italian. The dessert menu was apparently as confusing as the main one in the beginning. But that’s been simplified, and the pastry chef, Jennifer McCoy, puts it all together for the diners in a most delicious way.

Did I expect a good meal? Of course. Did I expect an extraordinary meal? Yes. But what I didn’t expect was the luxuriousness of each and every dish, almost without a single ingredient out of place or added unnecessarily. Tom Colicchio has crafted a memorable experience with his approach to a simple, and simply remarkable, cuisine.